Five Christmas cracker toys vets will recover from your pet's stomach for £465

CRACKERS add some levity to Christmas meals, until your pet swallows these toys and you have to pay a fortune for surgery: 

Miniature chattering teeth

This wind up toy looks hilarious as it rattles away in your small dog’s mouth, but the laughter soon stops when the vet hands you the bill for removing it from their stomach. And because your dog is thick as shit it’ll make the same mistake tomorrow, and the day after, until you’re bankrupt.

Fortune-telling fish

A cat could easily mistake a fish-shaped piece of plastic for the real deal and gobble it down without hesitation. Which is pretty rich considering it usually shuns all but the most expensive and pretentious of Sheba pouches. Spare a thought for the vet who will get clawed to buggery as they try to retrieve it from their oesophagus.


One of the easier toys for your vet to locate because it will be making a whistling noise in your dog’s digestive tract. You could always wait for the whistle to pass through their body naturally and save some money, just make sure you bin it immediately because you don’t want to blow on something that’s been up a dog’s anus.

Tape measure

When your vet pulls a metre-long measuring tape from your pet’s bum, play dumb and ask: ‘Do all tapeworms have markings indicating precise measurements?’ With any luck they will be fooled and only charge for deworming. There’s a slight chance a medical professional will see through your clever ruse and charge you double out of spite.

Tiny Rubik’s Cube on a key ring

Your dog can’t see colours and doesn’t have keys, so the only way they were ever going to get any fun from this Christmas cracker toy was by eating it. Although if it comes out solved then consider entering them into Britain’s Got Talent. The prize money might just about cover all the veterinary fees.

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Dad revisits annual boast that he'd have 'f**king battered' that kid in Home Alone

A MIDDLE-AGED man has again told his Home Alone-watching children that he would have given Kevin McCallister a ‘bloody good hiding’.

As is now tradition, Roy Hobbs and his kids sat down to rewatch the festive favorite while Hobbs said ‘These burglars are amateurs. They’re pulling their punches.’

He continued: “Hit me with a paint can you’re getting it next, I can tell you. Catch that bugger and swing it right back. Bam. Give him something to shout about.

“If I’d been there it’d be over inside 20 minutes. I’d have spotted he was on his own when I was casing the neighborhood. Seen through his bullshit, done the house that night.

“Kid can’t overpower two grown men. And Pesci, he’d have a temper on him. Used to do jobs with a fella like that, short, and they go f**king apeshit when you cross them. You’d never see Culkin again.”

Son Dylan Hobbs said: “Dad seems to know a lot about burglary and not flinching from violence when caught in the act. It’s worrying.

“Also when we watched The Grinch he was cheering ‘Go on, son, fill your boots’.”