How your primary school nativity part predicted your disappointing future

WERE you an angel on high, a king in finery, a mute shepherd or livestock? Here’s how your nativity role predicted your future:

Mary or Joseph

You were always popular, and now you’re a cheerful, reliable type who can be relied on. Not outstanding but people notice if you’re not there. You’re probably now an accountant or pharmacist, drive a Volvo and are mortgage-free.


You stood at the back with a grubby tea towel on your head and didn’t get any lines. Today you’re just as much a pointless makeweight. You do data management and your colleagues try to avoid you in the kitchen because after five years they’re still not sure of your name.


Your role was to look stern, vigorously shake your head and send poor, desperate Mary and Joseph packing. You now are virulently pro-Brexit, voted for UKIP eight times and stood as a candidate once, and drive a white van with a massive poppy on the front.


As the little donkey, you didn’t have to do anything in the school nativity apart from look cute. You carried this over into the rest of your life and coasted on your good looks for years. Everything went swimmingly for you until you hit 40 and your face collapsed into like a cake in the rain. Nobody likes you now.


You think you’re effervescent and fascinating, lighting up every room you walk into with your fabulous personality. You’re actually a tiresome narcissist who everyone slags off behind your back. Playing an angel was the first step in your current career as a chronically underemployed actor.


If there is a disaster or a crisis, people turn to you to save the day. You’ve got a mammoth ego but are forgiven for it because people feel safe in your capable, comforting presence. You are now a doctor or a lawyer with a big car, a second home and a secret lover.

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A Christmas Carol adapted by the BBC to represent 'both sides'

A NEW adaption of the Dickens classic will dispense with the woke socialist values of the original and offer a balanced view on hoarding wealth.

Miserly businessman Ebenezer Scrooge will be rewritten as a more sympathetic figure who is concerned that excessive generosity makes people too dependent on others.

Executive producer Martin Bishop said: “We owe it to the public to present an unbiased story that represents all perspectives equally. Who are we to say whether greed is good or bad?

“We’ve made a few alterations to counterbalance the left-wing spirit of the original. After all, why should Scrooge be the only character to change? Bob Cratchit could work a bit harder, maybe even get a second job.

“And those do-gooding ghosts seem too much like activists. We’ve changed it so that the Ghost of Christmas Present shows Scrooge how he already contributes a lot to society due to things like trickle down economics.

“We believe this new version of the festive classic shows the arguments both for and against being a selfish bastard, even though it does mean Tiny Tim gets taken away by social services.

“Please can you all stop trying to defund us now?”