Cousins feeling obliged to pretend they're mates

A GROUP of cousins at a Christmas family gathering feel under pressure to pretend they know the first thing about each other’s lives.

The Tomlinsons haven’t seen each other since Auntie Jane’s last Christmas drinks party, an excruciating event that mostly involves standing around hoping Uncle Richard doesn’t get started on immigrants.

Hannah Tomlinson explained: “It’s not that me and the cousins don’t get on, it’s just that aside from this yearly party and the odd family funeral, we have f**k all contact with each other.

“I was relieved to get out of it last year due to Covid, but all that’s done is made us even more estranged. However, so as not to upset Grandma, we’re all doing our best to pretend to remember what each other’s jobs are.

“I can’t even pad things out with normal conversation fillers such as lying about how cute their kids are because I’ve got all their names muddled up since last time.

“In desperation for a topic of conversation I suggested we create a cousins WhatsApp group, which I regret now. It’s going to be even more embarrassing when we meet up next Christmas and not one of us has been arsed to send a message.”

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Office dickhead referring to every day this week as 'Twixmas'

A MORONIC office worker is delighting in calling every day between now and New Year ‘Twixmas’.

Stephen Malley is irritating colleagues who are already fed up with being back at their desks so soon by repeatedly using a cretinous phrase that refers to the period between Christmas and New Year.

Malley said: “No-one enjoys being at work while most people are still at home watching Christmas movies and binge drinking on the sofa, so I thought I’d lift everyone’s spirits by dropping this phrase into conversation.

“Every morning I kick the office door open and bellow ‘IIT’S TWIIIXMAAAS!’ in my best Noddy Holder voice. And even though nobody so much as looks up from their screens, I know it’s giving them a warm, happy glow inside.”

Malley’s line manager Tom Logan said: “The most annoying part is that he throws Twix bars at us while he says it, even though they’ve got nothing to do with this handful of days.

“I used to like eating a Twix but now even thinking of them makes me angry. So I think we’ll have to let Stephen go in the next round of redundancies.”