Christmas more commercial than kid could have even dreamed

A LITTLE boy has been delighted to realise that Christmas is more of a hollow capitalist scam than he dared to dream possible.

Eight-year-old Jack Browne expected Christmas to be a profit-driven shell of its former Christian self, but the importance attached to mindless consumerism exceeded even his wildest expectations.

Browne said: “I was worried Covid might have given everyone a sense of perspective. So imagine my joy when I woke up to discover everyone’s been cashing in on Christmas as much as possible.

“Toys that’ll be ignored in a day or two, stupidly expensive perfume and aftershave mum and dad don’t really want, miscellaneous junk like an ugly musical elf. Yes, it’s been an orgy of brainwashed purchasing.

“There hasn’t been a single mention of today’s religious significance. Instead the whole family’s been furiously unwrapping their presents, listening to novelty songs and working out how to spunk another small fortune in the sales.

“This afternoon we’ll eat specially branded Christmas food then spend another evening slumped in front of the telly watching yuletide editions of our favourite programmes. I won’t think about baby Jesus once.

“Christmas truly is the most magical date in the Q4 calendar. I hope I never grow out of feeling this addicted to material possessions, or remember that today’s about family and loved ones.”

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Family struggling to find anything to talk about in awkward gap between Christmas and next Christmas

A FAMILY who spent Christmas together are struggling to navigate the weird bit between now and Christmas 2022.

Despite mostly enjoying the big day itself, the Cook family have failed to drum up a single bit of decent chat since Call the Midwife went off at 9.35pm.

Dad Julian Cook said: “It’s such an odd time of year, isn’t it, the eleven or so months between one Christmas and the next? No one quite knows what to do with themselves.

“At some stage the children will leave and go back to their own lives. They’re grown ups now, so quite happy to entertain themselves for long periods of time.

“We’ll keep in contact via the family WhatsApp group that I wittily called ‘Too Many Cooks’, but the messages tend to dry up mid-January as we return to forgetting each other exists.

“Still, it’s only 330 days until I can ask everyone what they want for Christmas and do my little joke about them getting coal for being so naughty instead.

“Family is so important for a very limited amount of time each year.”