Five destinations that always have cheap flights because they're shit

LOOKING for a budget holiday this year? Here are five places you hypothetically could fly to on the cheap, though f**k knows why you’d want to:


Desperate to visit the Emerald Isle but only have a tenner to spend? Then take a flight to Knock at the arse-end of Ireland. All the suspiciously cheap Irish airlines travel there, so you’ll be spoilt for choice when it comes to finding a flight offering a whole 500g of baggage allowance and 10cm of leg room.


If Ireland is a little too exotic for your taste, you’ll simply love Aberdeen. It’s cold, miserable, ugly and weirdly expensive because of all the oil money, and you’ll feel guilty because a domestic flight adds considerable weight to your carbon footprint. It also means you don’t get the benefit of driving through any nice bits of Scotland.


Apart from the Leaning Tower (which is rammed full of tourists trying to get the same stupid photo for their social media) there’s f**k all happening in Pisa, meaning you’ll be bored shitless after about three hours. However, if you’re too stingy to spend an extra £20 to visit somewhere stunningly beautiful like Florence, you deserve all you get.


If your dream when hopping on a plane is to arrive in a place with lots of angry, sunburnt British people, then fly straight into Malaga. The airport will be swarming with tourists and the bleak sight of a thousand identical holiday apartments as you drive along the coast will make you wish you’d stayed at home, where the temperature is about the same and you don’t have to visit an Irish bar.


Poland’s reputation as the ideal destination for dodgy stag-dos has made getting there on a shoestring easier than ever, meaning it’s now even worse than Amsterdam or Prague. Enjoy sharing your aisle with Gazza, Bazza, Steve and a blow-up doll the air stewards refuse to confiscate because it’s not worth getting punched over.

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The football fan's guide to ruining a quiet Sunday pub roast

PUBS are the perfect place to watch the Premier League on a big screen and make lunch unendurable for innocent bystanders. Football fan Wayne Hayes explains how.

Shout at the players

Immerse yourself in the game by bellowing advice to trained professionals as you down another pint of Carlsberg. They won’t be able to hear you because they’re on a television screen and you’re in a pub, but the elderly couple near the quiz machine will be intimidated into silence. Which is good because they were cutting their food a bit too loudly.

Start chanting

There’s nothing like a boisterous, insulting chant to recreate the atmosphere of a packed football stadium. That atmosphere being an outright air of violence with xenophobic undertones. For that extra touch of authenticity, throw your pint at the screen.

Crowd the bar

Carrying your pints from the bar to your table takes two seconds, but anything can happen in that time. Make sure you and your mates don’t miss a single pass or fake dive by drinking at the counter and chatting to the barman about this season’s lousy performance. If other people want to get served they can try a different pub.

Celebrate goals aggressively

It’s a good thing when your team kicks the football into the other team’s goal, so articulate your happiness in a normal fashion by punching the air and swearing until you’re red in the face. The family trying to eat next to you will be grateful you’ve taught their kids some new words.

Watch the post-match analysis

While the rest of the pub is relieved your tedious match is over, you can prolong the misery by insisting the landlord sticks on the post-match analysis. This gives you a chance to shout at the telly all over again as the highs and lows are replayed in slow motion, accompanied by some deathly dull pundit commentary and your worthless opinions.