Five essential items needed for a three-day car journey to Dover

GETTING a car ferry to the continent? Here are five things you should not be stuck in the massive queue without:

An additional energy source

Spending hours creeping imperceptibly forward is going to require plenty of entertainment, which means a large selection of devices. However, plugging anything into the car will drain the battery, and you don’t want to add to the havoc by clogging up a lane begging for a jump start. Take a couple of power banks or prepare for the longest bickering session of your life.

Extra food

As well as needing to consume food to stay alive as you inch slowly along, you’re also going to need a f**kload of snacks to help alleviate the crushing boredom, and even more on top of that if you have a car full of whining children. However, you have to remember that every item of food consumed will come out again at the other end, and there are no toilet facilities on the hard shoulder. It’s a tricky balance, but you’ll be an expert by the time you’ve consumed your 22nd bag of Mini Cheddars.


After playing I-Spy for 30 hours straight while in a stationary car, a family could become cut off from reality to the point where sacrificing a child to the God of Forward Momentum would seem rational. To prevent a heart-wrenching Sophie’s choice of picking one, bring the Travel Monopoly, which will end with you all killing each other anyway.


The law forbids the consumption of alcohol while in control of a vehicle, but there’s nothing to stop your passengers getting plastered to escape the hell of spending their Easter weekend in a two-metre-square metal box with four other people. It’ll be miserable for the driver, but only until the drinkers pass out and shut the f**k up for a few blissful hours.


The belief that this horrendous experience will improve is crucial, otherwise what’s to stop everyone abandoning societal norms, taking a shit on the motorway and looting each other’s cars for snacks superior to their own? Just look forward to the moment you drive off the ferry in France and realise you can’t understand the signs and have to drive on the other side of the road. What a lovely, relaxing holiday.

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Jesus still trouncing Royals on bank holiday count

EVEN in years of Jubilees and funerals Jesus still has the Royals beaten hands down on bank holidays, he has boasted.

The Son of God has informed Britain’s Royal family that they can ‘kiss his bleeding feet’ if they think they can even come close to his record of public gratification.

He said: “Last year was kind of a banner year for you guys. Not likely to get a monarch celebrating a jubilee and passing on within 12 months again, are you?

“What did that mean at the business end where it counts, the number of days off? Two extra days. Two. You only got a four-day weekend by piggybacking off an existing one.

“And the funeral bank holiday can hardly be considered a good time. While I’m delivering a four-dayer every Easter without fail, do I require everyone to feel sad on Good Friday? I do not, because I’m back by Sunday so shit’s fine.

“That’s without taking the two-day stretch celebrating my birthday into account. You see? This is why Christianity is the world’s most popular religion. Because Jesus delivers.”

He added: “I guess there’s an extra one next month. Couldn’t make it a Friday, Charlie? Too worried everyone would book a weekend away and miss your big moment?”