Five family activities attempted once a year when it's stupidly hot

WANT to keep the family busy in this sweltering heat? Try these activities which are an annual lesson in misery.

Visit a local event

During normal temperatures you would never dream of visiting a village fete, historical re-enactment or cheese festival. But in the heat something strange happens to your brain and you’re convinced they’re enjoyable – even though their fun factor, if any, exhausts itself in 20 minutes. Sitting at home staring at a fan would have been better.

A remote barbecue

What could be nicer on a sweltering day than to drive somewhere remote and eat burgers off a raging fire? Answer: anything. Not only do you have to sit for hours in your boiling car, but you’re only one stray spark away from immolating the whole of Southern England. Just swing by the nearest McDonald’s drive-thru and save yourself the hassle.

The very long walk

Certain family members get off on organising epic hikes on the hottest day of the year. And sadly everyone else has to go along with the whims of these psychopaths. The frailest and most sensible people will drop out at the first pub, leaving the others to endure exhaustion, blisters and photographs capturing their terminal boredom.

A cricket match

Families appear to love nothing more on a scorching day than to crack out their wickets and cricket bats. No matter how the teams are split, someone will spoil the apparent fun with their over-competitiveness or strict adherence to petty rules, even though they never follow the game for the rest of the year. Stay inside with a Cornetto and finish watching Better Call Saul. It’s much more fun.

The summer Sunday roast

The Sunday roast is often neglected in summer by normal people, for obvious reasons. Not hardcore traditionalist families. First they spend hours in a hot kitchen preparing it, then guzzle down large amounts of piping hot food in equally hot weather. Funnily enough you never see them enjoying ice cream in December, the hypocrites.

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'I’m so hideous,' tweets staggeringly beautiful woman

A STUNNING woman with the face and physique of a supermodel took to Twitter to tell the world she resembles a ‘horrible ugly little toad’.

Charlotte Phelps, whose eyes look like two perfect crystal blue lagoons, also shared a picture of a naked mole-rat alongside the caption ‘me’ and a sad face emoji.

Phelps, twiddling the luscious blonde hair that cascades from her head like golden waves, said: “I may have a face and body that are proportionately and anatomically perfect, but I am such a grotesque pig.

“People see my profile picture and mistakenly think I’m really pretty. They say I look like Scarlett Johansson or Charlize Theron. But it’s all just filters and make up. In reality, I look like Gollum from Lord of the Rings if he wore a cheap wig and a tiny bikini.

“What do you mean, do I do this sort of thing so hundreds of strangers shower me with attention and compliments to bolster my already huge ego? Of course not.”

Ordinary-looking person Emma Bradford said: “My mum always says that what’s most important is whether or not you are beautiful on the inside.

“But that’s bollocks. I would sell my mother if I got to look like Charlotte, despite the supportive things she keeps saying about my ‘winning personality’.”