WANT to keep the family busy in this sweltering heat? Try these activities which are an annual lesson in misery.
Visit a local event
During normal temperatures you would never dream of visiting a village fete, historical re-enactment or cheese festival. But in the heat something strange happens to your brain and you’re convinced they’re enjoyable – even though their fun factor, if any, exhausts itself in 20 minutes. Sitting at home staring at a fan would have been better.
A remote barbecue
What could be nicer on a sweltering day than to drive somewhere remote and eat burgers off a raging fire? Answer: anything. Not only do you have to sit for hours in your boiling car, but you’re only one stray spark away from immolating the whole of Southern England. Just swing by the nearest McDonald’s drive-thru and save yourself the hassle.
The very long walk
Certain family members get off on organising epic hikes on the hottest day of the year. And sadly everyone else has to go along with the whims of these psychopaths. The frailest and most sensible people will drop out at the first pub, leaving the others to endure exhaustion, blisters and photographs capturing their terminal boredom.
A cricket match
Families appear to love nothing more on a scorching day than to crack out their wickets and cricket bats. No matter how the teams are split, someone will spoil the apparent fun with their over-competitiveness or strict adherence to petty rules, even though they never follow the game for the rest of the year. Stay inside with a Cornetto and finish watching Better Call Saul. It’s much more fun.
The summer Sunday roast
The Sunday roast is often neglected in summer by normal people, for obvious reasons. Not hardcore traditionalist families. First they spend hours in a hot kitchen preparing it, then guzzle down large amounts of piping hot food in equally hot weather. Funnily enough you never see them enjoying ice cream in December, the hypocrites.