Thursday, 15th April 2021

Five gestures of affection that really mean your cat hates you

ARE you the type of sap who believes your cat brings in dead birds as a ‘gift’? Find out what other signs of love actually mean it thinks you’re a wanker.

Jumping on your bed at 3am

Does your cat adore you so much that he can’t wait to spend some quality time with you? No. He knows you have to be up for work in four hours and wants to f**k up your day by ensuring you’re knackered for that important meeting.

Rubbing up against your leg after coming in from the rain

She’s not giving you a little cuddle to let you know how pleased she is to be out of the nasty weather, she’s using you as a human towel. If it wasn’t for the fact that you feed her, she’d pay you about as much attention as she does any other inanimate object.

Clawing painfully at your tender parts

You’ve read somewhere that your cat claws at your genitals or stomach because he thinks you’re his parent. The truth is he remembers having his balls cut off and has decided to mete out this unpleasant torture as payback, you bastard. The more you yelp in pain, the louder he purrs.

Bringing you dead ‘gifts’

You think he’s lovingly offering you first dibs on his prized catch. The truth is he’s well aware of how disgusting you find it and revels in watching you heave as you try and clean mouse innards from the carpet you spent a fortune on.

Marking his territory

You choose to believe your cat is so ferociously loyal to you that he wants to make sure no other animal will dare to enter your home. The sad truth is he just wants to piss all over your house to annoy you.