Five gestures of affection that really mean your cat hates you

ARE you the type of sap who believes your cat brings in dead birds as a ‘gift’? Find out what other signs of love actually mean it thinks you’re a wanker.

Jumping on your bed at 3am

Does your cat adore you so much that he can’t wait to spend some quality time with you? No. He knows you have to be up for work in four hours and wants to f**k up your day by ensuring you’re knackered for that important meeting.

Rubbing up against your leg after coming in from the rain

She’s not giving you a little cuddle to let you know how pleased she is to be out of the nasty weather, she’s using you as a human towel. If it wasn’t for the fact that you feed her, she’d pay you about as much attention as she does any other inanimate object.

Clawing painfully at your tender parts

You’ve read somewhere that your cat claws at your genitals or stomach because he thinks you’re his parent. The truth is he remembers having his balls cut off and has decided to mete out this unpleasant torture as payback, you bastard. The more you yelp in pain, the louder he purrs.

Bringing you dead ‘gifts’

You think he’s lovingly offering you first dibs on his prized catch. The truth is he’s well aware of how disgusting you find it and revels in watching you heave as you try and clean mouse innards from the carpet you spent a fortune on.

Marking his territory

You choose to believe your cat is so ferociously loyal to you that he wants to make sure no other animal will dare to enter your home. The sad truth is he just wants to piss all over your house to annoy you.

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Richard Curtis to make unbearably smug middle-class Covid film

RICHARD Curtis has announced he is making Covid Actually, a film where posh, entitled people bumble their way charmingly through the pandemic.

Boris Johnson will play himself in the lead as the haphazard posh dickhead prime minister, complete with perplexed, boy-child persona, irritating rumpled hair and having sex with employees.

The cast will also include Emilia Clarke, Olivia Colman, Tom Hiddleston, Eddie Redmayne and Florence Pugh, all playing painfully middle-class Londoners frightfully inconvenienced by lockdown but charmingly winning through regardless.

Curtis said: “The plot centres around Johnson blithely f**king things up and then making increasingly ham-fisted attempts to save the day while a network of friends and acquaintances weather lockdown by having large houses, large gardens and delightfully tousled children.

“Any grimness or lurking sense of dread will be covered by pretty shots of twinkly lights coming from posh shopfronts, log fires or anything else that is not an ambulance.

“We’ll watch them live, laugh, still go on foreign holidays, care for each other and never mention anyone in the social classes below theirs because that would make everyone uncomfortable.”

Wet Wet Wet will reprise their classic Love is All Around, reworked as Covid is All Around to send a crucial message to the less fortunate. But Curtis denied that the villain will be based on Priti Patel, saying that “even evil characters have to be believable as human beings.”