Five good pets for children in order of how long they'll last

ARE your annoying children endlessly pestering you for a pet? Here are five options in order of how soon they’ll croak.


A dog is a big commitment which your child will tire of after a month, leaving you picking up shit every day for the next 16 years. However, it will always be affectionate and pleased to see you, which is more than can be said for your kid, so you will inevitably end up loving it more than them.


Rabbits look cute from a distance, but up close they’re aggressive little bastards that will kick you viciously the moment you pick them up. They live in the garden and won’t stink out your house, but that could mean having a massive run f**king up your lawn for up to eight years. Unless a fox mysteriously gets in through a hole in the mesh one night.


These small, sweet animals are perhaps the perfect pet, as they’re cheap and low maintenance. However, it’s worth considering the psychological cost because while they theoretically live for two years, they’re likely to die after as little as six months, meaning you’ll be stuffing a rigid little rodent into a small box and reading a solemn eulogy while your weeping children bury them in the vegetable patch twice a year.


Goldfish have such short lifespans that they might not even survive the trip back from the pet shop. If they do, stick them in a bowl, change the water if you can be arsed and sling some food in now and then. Simple. Also, it’s hard for children to bond with a fish so there won’t be a fuss when it’s dead. Just flush it down the loo and get another one. They won’t even notice.

A garden pet

This is something your children find in the garden, put in a jar and then leave on top of the radiator until it shrivels up and dies. Very little effort needed by them or you. Also works with seaside animals. If that crab expires on the way home, just sling it out the window when you hit a B-road. Easy.

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Couple with newborn vow they'll stay cool and fun and deluded

A COUPLE have sworn that their newborn baby will not change their cool, fun, and completely out of touch with reality personalities.

First-time parents Joshua Gardner and Lucy Parry have promised each other that the responsibility of raising a baby human being will have zero impact on their hip, carefree lifestyle and stupidly naive outlook on life.

Gardner said: “Having a baby was tough in olden times like the 90s, I get that. But these days you can plonk it in front of an iPad and carry on with business as usual.

“I expect Lucy and I will be able to keep going to warehouse raves and getting coked up to our eyeballs. So long as we bring the baby monitor with us everything will be fine.”

Parry said: “Being a parent doesn’t mean you have to sell out and learn about boring things like life insurance or school catchment areas. In fact you probably don’t have to change yourself at all.

“Incidentally, when I grow up I want to be a best-selling author and a pop star and live in a castle. I’m 34.”

Friend Tom Booker said: “I think I’m about to witness the world’s first 90 degree learning curve.”