Five hellish things you should definitely put off until 2021

THIS year has been shit enough without attempting to sort out all the huge, festering problems in your life. So keep sweeping these things under the carpet until 2020 is over.

Repairing your relationship with your mum

If current restrictions stay in place you can’t go near her until April anyway, so you may as well cut contact entirely. Finally you get to have your own Christmas without your mum’s passive-aggressive remarks about how much Jesus achieved before he was 33.

Sorting out your finances

It is perfectly acceptable to max out your Barclaycard on Deliveroo, because that way you’re supporting key workers. Besides, the whole world is sliding into a terrifying pit of debt, so it’s important to show some solidarity.

Doing the garden

For several years the garden has been a tangle of nettles, litter and fox poo. You’ve had weeks to sort it out due to furlough but the time seemed better spent watching Loose Women and eating Magnums. But it’s basically winter now, so it’s too late.

Telling your boss where to stick it

One major downside of Covid is that you have to stay at your cesspit of a job and be extra grateful for it. But there is mercy in a longer lockdown: it gives you months to practise saying “F**k you and your monthly stationery stocktake, Trudy”.

Looking in the mirror

Coping with Covid and lockdown has left you fat and knackered. Remove all mirrors from your home and tell people you’re going through a transformative body-image process. Which is a nice way of saying you’ve really let yourself go.


Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Are you allowed to have sex? Take Matt Hancock's quiz

WITH casual sex off the table, how can you be sure you’re allowed to jump someone’s bones? Find out with this quiz by health secretary Matt Hancock.

How long have you been with your current partner?

A) 15 long years, each more sexless and dull than the last.

B) About seven seconds. That’s only if they were definitely making eyes at me in the pub and not just staring into space in my direction.

Do you have coronavirus?

A) Yes. I use it as an excuse to get out of having sex instead of saying I’ve got a headache.

B) No. I test myself 12 times a day so I can show potential dates that I’m clean and ready to bang at a moment’s notice.

How many people are you currently seeing?

A) Two. My life partner and the thought of their hotter best friend who I mentally picture whilst tossing myself off in the shower.

B) Zero. But if we count however many videos there are on PornHub, 12 million.

Do you live with your potential sexual partner?

A) Yes, but we sleep in separate rooms because the spark has gone, and also we hate each other.

B) No, I’ve moved back home with my parents and now I feel traumatised.

When did you last have sex?

A) On a foreign holiday where there was no threat of quarantine. So at least six months ago.

B) Does with myself count? If so, 30 minutes ago.

Mostly As: Congratulations! You’re in a monogamous, passive-aggressive relationship so you’re allowed to have sex, even though you can’t be arsed with it.

Mostly Bs: You sound like a single, strapping young buck who’s in the prime of life, but it’s not worth the risk. Sorry. There’s a chance you might start getting handjobs through a plastic curtain by 2025 but don’t quote me on that.