Five shit things you didn’t expect would happen in your 40s

DID you stupidly think you’d be happy and sorted by the time you got to middle age? Here are some unpleasant realities you weren’t expecting.

Renting a flat and being single 

A waste of money and a bit lonely. However there might be enough 40-something singleton renters nowadays to force the government to give everyone a free house on their 40th birthday. Naturally you’d also get a decent car, an attractive spouse and some well-behaved kids. It doesn’t matter if they’re actors. Beggars can’t be choosers.

Your metabolism goes wrong 

Leading to inevitable weight gain. You can’t even drown your sorrows about being fat with booze because hangovers are no longer a minor inconvenience on the way to work, but a nightmarish journey into paranoia, physical exhaustion and irrational feelings that you have lost at life because you don’t own an Audi.

You are not as successful as you assumed you would be

Even quite grounded people can’t resist fantasies of running their own successful business or writing the next Trainspotting. Unfortunately this requires talent, an element of luck, and single-minded hard work. The latter isn’t going to happen because let’s face it, you’re already knackered from just getting dressed in the morning.

Birthdays are no longer exciting 

Childhood birthdays were amazing if you got an AT-AT walker, and in your 20s and 30s you were guaranteed a good piss-up. But birthdays in your 40s feel utterly pointless, unless you’re really excited about reaching the age of 43, which makes you a bit weird.

You’re obsessed with celebrities’ ages

A bizarre side-effect of getting older which makes you compare your own age and achievements with celebs who’ve taken an entirely different path in life. It’s still a kick in the teeth to discover you’re older than Danny Dyer, and haven’t even got his incredibly shit filmography.

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Married couple who spontaneously had sex still reeling

A MARRIED couple who spontaneously had sex with each other cannot get over the shock.

Tom and Eleanor Shaw, who have been together for eleven years, previously believed they had slipped comfortably into a sexless union of convenience that would last the rest of their lives.

Eleanor Shaw said: “I thought we’d reached the stage where we felt towards each other like siblings who weirdly had kids, and all our shagging was done.

“But then last night, it just happened. There was no birthday obligation or anything. Just raw, animal sex, if the animals had done it so many times previously that they had developed a well worn routine.

“We’ve decided to celebrate this landmark day as another anniversary. Then we’ll feel obliged to make ourselves have run-of-the-mill sex one more time per year.

“Well, maybe. Or we might just sack it off and watch Succession again.”