How to feed a family on 80p a week, by social media dickheads

STRUGGLING to make bountiful meals for your kids on a budget of pennies? It’s not that hard, you lazy free school meals scrounger. Here’s how a dickhead on social media whips up feasts for next to nothing.

Break down the spending

Did you know that for just 7p you can feed a family of four for a week on a tasty lasagne made of newspaper and jam? Of course, you didn’t. Because I made it up just to prove my sociopathic point.

Utilise handy cooking hints

Risotto is a cheap and easy meal that anyone can make, if they have the time and inclination to twat around with rice for hours after working knackering hours for little pay. Also, the salty tears of your sobbing children make a lovely stock.

Read a recipe book

Poor people are idle layabouts who could whip up three course meals for next to nothing if they could be bothered to look up from their brand new iPhones for long enough to read a recipe. Or they could cut out the pictures and eat them. It’s all they deserve.

Live on a diet of water

As well as being healthy, water comes right out of the tap so you don’t even need to pop to the shops for more. A few glasses of water with a side of ice cubes fresh makes for a hearty dinner, plus you’ll be able to taste the money you saved in each flavourless bite.

Grow your own food

Of course, you wouldn’t need to go hungry if you grew organic vegetables in your garden like I do. No matter that you don’t have the time or money to spend carefully coaxing them to life, or indeed a garden. That’s no excuse, you feckless layabout.

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Man permanently angry about things that haven't happened

A SUBURBAN man spends a large amount of time fuming about things he does not agree with which have not actually happened.

Norman Steele is furious about issues ranging from free tampons to a ban on alcohol and meat products, none of which have happened or are likely to.

Steele said: “It’s only a matter of time before women force us taxpayers to pay for their periods. Then it’ll be free make-up, vibrators and petrol for their cars next.

“I’m disgusted by 21st-century Britain. All it takes is some moaning do-gooder and suddenly you’re not allowed to buy your granddaughter an ice cream because dentists can’t be bothered to do their job properly.

“If they decide to make the national anthem multicultural, you won’t find me singing the reggae version in a Jamaican accent. I’d rather go to prison.”

In the last hour alone, Steele has been venting angrily about vegetarian sausages becoming compulsory, primary school children being allowed to vote, and couples wanting to have sex being forced to apply for a permit first.