Five shitty places for holidaying in Britain now you can't go abroad

WITH the coronavirus making summer holidays abroad unlikely, here are five shitty places you can choose to visit in Britain instead.

The Isle of Wight

How could you be upset about missing out on a Caribbean holiday when this island paradise offers attractions such as a donkey sanctuary, dinosaur bones and a model village? A swim in the icy sea will soon banish thoughts of disappointment as your brain enters survival mode.

Cardiff

You won’t miss sipping sangria in a tapas bar in Spain when you’re chugging pints in one of the UK’s top binge-drinking destinations. Unlike foreign cities, there’s nothing you won’t understand on the food menu, because there is no food menu. If you’re hungry you just haven’t drunk enough yet – you can crawl home via ‘Chip Alley’ later. Just watch out for the vomit!

Margate

If this famous seaside resort was good enough for families and fun-lovers in the Sixties, it should be good enough for you now. Except it really isn’t. But don’t worry, with average temperatures sitting at 17.5 degrees even in the height of summer, you’ll be too cold to register how much of a rundown shit-hole it is.

The Scottish Highlands

Simply tell yourself that your midge bites are mosquito bites and your fleece-lined raincoat is a swimming costume and it’ll be like holidaying in the Italian Lakes, with no need to waste money on suncream. As a bonus, if you’re English you’ll be able to bask in the sense that the locals hate you, bringing back happy memories of holidays in France. 

Center Parcs

If you want to spend as much as a round-the-world trip costs, why not book a grubby villa at a Center Parcs? Never has organised fun come at such a high price nor in the company of such excessive crowds. Just wait until you lose a tooth or break a rib in the rapids – then it really will become a holiday to remember!

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Woman pretending to be relaxed about shoes on or off

A WOMAN is pretending to be relaxed about whether guests should keep their shoes on at the front door or take them off.

Emma Bradford sadistically forces visitors to play an impossible guessing game while clearly having a preference about indoor shoe policy.

Friend Donna Sheridan said: “I wish she’d just say, ‘Take your shoes off please because we have nice carpets and suspect your footwear is covered in shit and germs.’ 

“Or if she feels differently, ‘Please keep your stinky feet hidden, I’ve only met you twice and it would be over-familiar to show us your socks.’

“But instead she says, ‘Oh, I don’t mind!’ in an airy tone, while looking massively anxious about what horror you’re about to inflict on them. 

“I could try to follow her lead but what if she’s wearing slippers? So either I stomp around in my shoes while Emma winces, or slide around feeling vulnerable in my socks hoping my feet don’t smell.

“I’ve decided the sensible thing is to never visit her again.”