Saturday, 4th April 2020

Five shitty places for holidaying in Britain now you can't go abroad

WITH the coronavirus making summer holidays abroad unlikely, here are five shitty places you can choose to visit in Britain instead.

The Isle of Wight

How could you be upset about missing out on a Caribbean holiday when this island paradise offers attractions such as a donkey sanctuary, dinosaur bones and a model village? A swim in the icy sea will soon banish thoughts of disappointment as your brain enters survival mode.

Cardiff

You won’t miss sipping sangria in a tapas bar in Spain when you’re chugging pints in one of the UK’s top binge-drinking destinations. Unlike foreign cities, there’s nothing you won’t understand on the food menu, because there is no food menu. If you’re hungry you just haven’t drunk enough yet – you can crawl home via ‘Chip Alley’ later. Just watch out for the vomit!

Margate

If this famous seaside resort was good enough for families and fun-lovers in the Sixties, it should be good enough for you now. Except it really isn’t. But don’t worry, with average temperatures sitting at 17.5 degrees even in the height of summer, you’ll be too cold to register how much of a rundown shit-hole it is.

The Scottish Highlands

Simply tell yourself that your midge bites are mosquito bites and your fleece-lined raincoat is a swimming costume and it’ll be like holidaying in the Italian Lakes, with no need to waste money on suncream. As a bonus, if you’re English you’ll be able to bask in the sense that the locals hate you, bringing back happy memories of holidays in France. 

Center Parcs

If you want to spend as much as a round-the-world trip costs, why not book a grubby villa at a Center Parcs? Never has organised fun come at such a high price nor in the company of such excessive crowds. Just wait until you lose a tooth or break a rib in the rapids – then it really will become a holiday to remember!