How to make sure you beat your best friend at finding romance

ARE you in a codependent female friendship and worried about which of you will meet someone first? Here are some ways to make sure you ‘win’.

Offer makeup advice 

Encourage her to wear things like blue mascara and peach lipstick, and pluck her eyebrows until she looks permanently surprised. It won’t stop non-shallow people falling for her but there aren’t many of those about, so it will drastically lower her chances of finding love. 

Keep the box sets flowing

How can she meet any potential ‘the ones’ if she’s in a you-induced Games of Thrones coma? If you succeed in getting her addicted that will also give you approximately a 4,200-hour headstart on finding someone yourself.

Persuade her to get an ill-advised tattoo

Why not gift it to her as a birthday present, so she feels obliged? A cartoon crab on her pubic bone or the word ‘herpes’ in neat italics on her inner thigh should do the trick. Convince her it will be funny and everyone will know it’s ironic. 

Use your friendship as a block

If you see her hitting it off with someone, lure her away with a rambling monologue about a heartbreaking personal problem: a bad hair day, the loss of a childhood hamster, a missing favourite jacket. Anything will do, just as long as your wails are too dramatic to walk away from. 

Spy on her 

If she does start getting close to someone, consider swapping out her phone sim and remotely tracking her messages like Carrie Mathison in Homeland. That way you can spy on all her thoughts, movements and dick pics and stay one step ahead of any romance threats.

Kill her

Slipping microdoses of cyanide into her morning granola is an extreme but effective way of making sure you, eventually, find love first. Be careful not to make any new best friends to replace her, though, or you will have to repeat the whole process all over again.

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Toilet paper shortages so bad woman may have to take dump at work

A WOMAN has acknowledged that toilet paper shortages could force her to take the unprecedented step of having a shit at work. 

Susan Traherne believes that the coronavirus situation is now totally out of control, due to the breaking of her self-imposed, three-decade ban on office defecation.

Traherne said: “I never thought I’d be forced into this situation. But we’re on our last two rolls at home and I couldn’t get any more. 

“Just a few weeks ago, I would have said civilisation would never break down to this extent. Now I’m facing genuinely having to go in there and do it. How quickly our illusions are torn away. 

“After I leave that bathroom, having done my business like an animal, I think I’ll be capable of anything. Murder. Cannibalism. Anonymously writing ‘f**k off’ in Janine’s leaving card. 

“The old Susan is dead and flushed. I’m the new Susan, and you’ve never met anything like me before. I’d leave it 10 minutes if I was you.”