Five things not to say when your daughter announces she's pregnant: A guide for dads

YOUR daughter has just joyously announced she’s pregnant. Don’t f**k up her big moment by blurting out one of these responses.

‘Whose is it?’

You say this in jest, as your daughter has been happily living with her boyfriend for the last six years, but there’s a grain of truth in you wishing the baby didn’t belong to him as you think he’s a pretentious twat. They both know this but feel obliged to laugh along, before slagging you off viciously when they get home.

‘Are you keeping it?’

Again, another joke, as they’re clearly over the moon about being pregnant. However, your hilarious comment disguises your fear of ending up doing hours of unpaid babysitting for their annoying little brat when you could be tinkering in the garage. Your childcare days are over, as far as you’re concerned.

‘Were you not taking precautions?’

They’ve been trying for a baby for six months, so it seems not. The weird thing is your wife knew all of this because apparently they’d been talking about it to you both. You must have zoned out or left the room in embarrassment at the very mention of menstrual cycles and missed what was going on. That or there was football on the telly.

‘He’ll need to get a proper job now’

Her wet weekend of a boyfriend has always described himself as a ‘creative’ and, because you’ve never been arsed to find out what that means, you’ve presumed he earns bugger all fannying about with watercolours or something. The truth is he’s a graphic designer at an award-winning advertising agency earning a wage you could only dream of, and he doesn’t appreciate your comment.

‘You’ll have to get married’

Your feminist daughter is furious at your old-fashioned suggestion that having a child out of wedlock is somehow wrong, and tells you to stop being such a backwards old dinosaur. However, you’re secretly pleased that she is so vehemently opposed as it means you won’t have to dip your hand in your pocket to pay for their wedding.

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Woman who likes travelling thinks that makes her special

A 22-YEAR-OLD who would prefer travelling the world to an unfulfilling job has the delusion that makes her special.

Sophie Rodriguez has explained to friends that, unlike them, she is not satisfied working nine-to-five in Swindon, and would actually prefer to sink her toes into the white sand of a Uruguayan beach.

Colleague Lucy Parry said: “I was incredulous to hear that Sophie isn’t into her call centre job and would rather be at a full moon party in Ko Pha-ngan. How individual and unique.

“It’s amazing that, while we’re all delightedly talking to customers about direct debits, a free spirit among us is dreaming of exotic locations and unhurried days of relaxation and whimsy.

“Or maybe it isn’t, and what Sophie calls ‘travelling’ is just ‘being on holiday’ and we’d all f**king prefer that as would every prick in any job anywhere in the f**king country.

“How much of a twat do you have to be to think ‘time off somewhere nice’ is your calling in life? That it makes you stand out? I hope her next job’s shovelling shit in a basement.”

Rodriguez said: “Also, unlike everyone else, I actually suffer from burnout.”