YOUR daughter has just joyously announced she’s pregnant. Don’t f**k up her big moment by blurting out one of these responses.
‘Whose is it?’
You say this in jest, as your daughter has been happily living with her boyfriend for the last six years, but there’s a grain of truth in you wishing the baby didn’t belong to him as you think he’s a pretentious twat. They both know this but feel obliged to laugh along, before slagging you off viciously when they get home.
‘Are you keeping it?’
Again, another joke, as they’re clearly over the moon about being pregnant. However, your hilarious comment disguises your fear of ending up doing hours of unpaid babysitting for their annoying little brat when you could be tinkering in the garage. Your childcare days are over, as far as you’re concerned.
‘Were you not taking precautions?’
They’ve been trying for a baby for six months, so it seems not. The weird thing is your wife knew all of this because apparently they’d been talking about it to you both. You must have zoned out or left the room in embarrassment at the very mention of menstrual cycles and missed what was going on. That or there was football on the telly.
‘He’ll need to get a proper job now’
Her wet weekend of a boyfriend has always described himself as a ‘creative’ and, because you’ve never been arsed to find out what that means, you’ve presumed he earns bugger all fannying about with watercolours or something. The truth is he’s a graphic designer at an award-winning advertising agency earning a wage you could only dream of, and he doesn’t appreciate your comment.
‘You’ll have to get married’
Your feminist daughter is furious at your old-fashioned suggestion that having a child out of wedlock is somehow wrong, and tells you to stop being such a backwards old dinosaur. However, you’re secretly pleased that she is so vehemently opposed as it means you won’t have to dip your hand in your pocket to pay for their wedding.
