Five things still under a fiver

THANKS to inflation and quantative easing everything costs bloody loads now. These are the last five things you can still pick up for a fiver: 

Five 1st Class stamps

Still hovering in Britain’s collective subconscious at about 26p, even a book of six tops a fiver. To send correspondence to your to your betrothed at her summer estate is 76p and if you’ve included a sultry photo that’s a large letter stamp. Send emojis instead because like most adults you’ve forgotten how to write anyway.

A pint of lager

Only applies in working men’s clubs in the North where the landlord is called Baz. In which case a fiver still gets you a pint, a ‘livener’, a go on the football card, and something from the vending machine in the gents.

Lotto ticket

£2 for a standard or £2.50 Euromillions, plus scratchcards for the full £5 and f**k knows how Thunderball and all that works. They’ve got to make money to give you money and a few million goes nowhere these days. Invest wisely by winning the jackpot now before the ticket price doubles.

Crap honey and crap jam

There used to be only honey and jam. Now there’s the spectrum up to manuka honey and gooseberry jam made in the open-plan kitchen of a marketing executive, using his own fruit and given a quirky name that’s touching £10. So you have to be cheap supermarket jam scum.

5.82€

What a pain it used to be, visiting the continent and converting pounds to Euros. Now it’s so easy because they’re worth pretty much the same, and it’s all thanks to Boris Johnson and Brexit. Any day soon: Bitcoin.

Five things that will shatter your hopes of a lie-in

EXHAUSTED and looking forward to an extra hour in bed? Here’s five reasons why it won’t happen this or any other weekend:

Call of nature

Once you’re over 40, that extra half a glass of beer before bed will return to haunt you at precisely 4.03am. The more you ignore it, the more pressing it gets, leading you to be up at half past five in the morning doomscrolling through the news whilst your annoying partner snores blissfully on.

House occupants

Whether it’s a member of your shared house who has enthusiastically discovered sex again after lockdown or your kids fighting over whether to watch Adventure Time or trash the kitchen making pancakes, having other people there ruins any possibility of sleeping in. Consider locking them out the night before.

Signing for a neighbour’s package

Deciding to have a package delivered before 8am on a Sunday is stupid, but not waking up to receive it, necessitating the delivery driver to bang your door down instead, is infuriating. Sign for the package, go out for the day and then pop round at 3am the next morning to helpfully deliver it. Or chuck it in a hedge.

Best friend

You love your best friend, but who comes round with a relationship crisis first thing in the morning? If they didn’t want to be told the reason they are perpetually single is because they are needy and inconsiderate, they should have come mid-afternoon when had time to drink a strong coffee and open a bottle of wine.

Power tool man

Every weekend morning, the man next door who has a worrying enthusiasm for power tools will find another part of his home to destroy and rebuild, dragging you from peaceful slumber into vivid imaginings of what you’ll do with his angle-grinder if he persists. Which he will, for the whole, miserable day.