THANKS to inflation and quantative easing everything costs bloody loads now. These are the last five things you can still pick up for a fiver:
Five 1st Class stamps
Still hovering in Britain’s collective subconscious at about 26p, even a book of six tops a fiver. To send correspondence to your to your betrothed at her summer estate is 76p and if you’ve included a sultry photo that’s a large letter stamp. Send emojis instead because like most adults you’ve forgotten how to write anyway.
A pint of lager
Only applies in working men’s clubs in the North where the landlord is called Baz. In which case a fiver still gets you a pint, a ‘livener’, a go on the football card, and something from the vending machine in the gents.
£2 for a standard or £2.50 Euromillions, plus scratchcards for the full £5 and f**k knows how Thunderball and all that works. They’ve got to make money to give you money and a few million goes nowhere these days. Invest wisely by winning the jackpot now before the ticket price doubles.
Crap honey and crap jam
There used to be only honey and jam. Now there’s the spectrum up to manuka honey and gooseberry jam made in the open-plan kitchen of a marketing executive, using his own fruit and given a quirky name that’s touching £10. So you have to be cheap supermarket jam scum.
What a pain it used to be, visiting the continent and converting pounds to Euros. Now it’s so easy because they’re worth pretty much the same, and it’s all thanks to Boris Johnson and Brexit. Any day soon: Bitcoin.