'100 per cent' and other annoying ways to tell someone you agree with them

WHY agree by saying ‘yes’ when you could annoy the crap out of someone by saying ‘100 per cent’? Try these irritating affirmatives:

100 per cent

The word ‘yes’ is elegant, precise and performs its job perfectly. Why, then, do so many people feel the need to mumble out this five-syllabled monstrosity in its place? It is not more positively affirming than saying yes; it just makes you sound like a prick.

Okey dokey

‘Okey dokey’ is a phrase so twee that the only people who can get away with saying it are children’s TV presenters and characters in Wes Anderson films. If you get into the habit of using it regularly it’s important to be aware that your family, friends and lovers all want to punch you every single time.

Yasss queen

Sounds great coming out of the mouth of a drag queen at a New York ball in the 1980s. However, when your line manager shrieks it at you in an office in Nuneaton because you’ve managed to fix the jam in the photocopier, it’s nails down a blackboard.


Accompanied by the incitement-to-violence ‘amazeballs, this actually makes you even more of a twat if you say it ironically. It may save you the 0.07 seconds of your life it would have taken to say ‘totally’, but you can say ‘yes’ even quicker without shaming yourself, your family and your culture.

Fo’ shizzle

Are you Snoop Dogg rolling a blunt in the early aughts? Or is it a misguided attempt to steal his Just Eat cool? If it’s the latter, you must never, ever let this escape your lips again. Just nod from now on. Language is off-limits to you.

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Dad getting drunk for Father’s Day

A FATHER-OF-TWO has decided to celebrate Father’s Day by drinking from lunchtime onwards, he has confirmed. 

Joe Turner of Aylesbury thanked his children for their homemade cards and rudimentary gifts, then explained that what he really wanted to do to celebrate eight years of fatherhood was to get absolutely wrecked by 6pm.

He continued: “Open me a can, Tyler. Fetch the gin, Ruby. Today’s all about Dad.

“I may not like golf, racing cars or jet aeroplanes but, like all fathers, I love beer, sitting down and sloughing off all responsibility to get really, really mashed.

“I’ll be in this chair here downing the selection of high-strength ales you’ve bought me and I expect to laugh, to cry, to weep, to curse God, to babble incoherently and to wind up slumped on the floor whispering ‘Why?’

“Once I was a young man, carefree, unattached. Today I drink like that man and for that man, for he is long gone. Want to join me? Eight isn’t too young to start.”

Son Tyler said: “Dads are weird and useless generally. But this I think I can respect.”