EQUALITY has come such a long way that women barely need to worry their pretty little heads about it anymore. They can even say and do these things that men aren’t allowed to.
Praise a female friend’s hot photo
When a female friend posts a flattering selfie on social media, women are at total liberty to write hyperbolic yet insincere praise in the comments, usually with a lot of kisses. If a man were to try this he’d look deeply creepy, and rightly be unfriended. Just click the ‘like’ button, chaps.
Talk about the pay gap with authority
Even if a man is well-informed about the subject, which, let’s be honest, he won’t be, he’d still come across as a mansplainer. Very unfair, even if he’s seriously imagined what it would be like to be pregnant a couple of times.
Find lost items quickly
Due to mysterious processes of evolution beyond our understanding, men aren’t allowed to notice a misplaced object even if it’s staring them in the face. Instead they need the help of women, who for some reason are permitted to spot the completely f**king obvious.
Tell a woman to ‘calm down’
Thousands of men are admitted to hospital every year with injuries because they told a woman to calm down, and yet they still haven’t learnt that it’s not acceptable. Meanwhile women are free to chirrup these words of comfort to each other in total safety. Pure hypocrisy.
Ogle a window cleaner drinking Diet Coke at 11.30
The chances of a topless beefcake chugging Diet Coke outside an office are slim, but if it ever happens then society has given women the green light to gaze at him in a lecherous manner. The Coca-Cola Company should be more woke and have a fat guy wheezing while carrying two breeze blocks then sitting down for a fag.