The moron's guide to noticing it's raining

DO you think the weather is a fascinating topic of conversation and not in fact f**king dull? Here’s how to point out that rain droplets are falling from the sky today.


Exhaling a wistful sigh from your nostrils while mournfully looking out of the window is a good way to communicate that you’ve noticed a light drizzle. Anyone else in the room will briefly wonder if you’ve received some tragic news, before quickly realising you’re being melodramatic about everyday weather again.

Have a long conversation about it

There’s not much to say about rain other than ‘It’s raining’, and even that’s pushing it. But if you’re really dull, spin this simple observation out into a full-blown conversation lasting half an hour. Other people don’t even need to say anything – feel free to make it a monologue about this incredible event. 

Say ‘Fine weather for ducks!’

One for chirpy dullards who say ‘Every cloud…’ without finishing the sentence. Nobody usually gives a shit if waterfowl are enjoying the weather, so why make an exception when it’s raining? 

Comment on how we needed it

You’re not a farmer whose livelihood depends on the soil getting decent saturation, so stop sounding so earnest. Chances are you’re actually surrounded by parched house plants who are yearning to be held out of the window for a drink because you’ve totally neglected them now the novelty’s worn off.

Run under cover while shrieking

At the first spot of rain completely lose your shit, frantically hold your coat over your head, then race to find cover while shrieking as if lava is falling from the sky. In modern Britain there are no recorded cases of anyone getting hypothermia and dying after getting a bit wet popping out to the shops.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

A guide to Israel, Northern Ireland and Bennifer for young people for who all this is new

WHY are Israel, Northern Ireland, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez in the news again, and why do older people sigh wearily when asked? Read our FAQs.

What’s going on in Israel? 

Two peoples sharing the same country who hate each other because of religion have erupted into violence again. 

What’s going on in Northern Ireland? 

Two peoples sharing the same country who hate each other because of religion have erupted into violence again.

What’s Bennifer? 

Two people sharing the same level of stardom who hated each other for years have erupted into romance again. 

Why doesn’t anyone older than 35 want to talk about it? 

Because this isn’t our first time around with this shit. 

But the violence in Israel is unprecedented? 

Yeah but no. I mean, it’s probably worse, but we’ve been reading headlines about Israel bombing Palestinians while they fire rockets and throw rocks back for all of the 70s, 80s and 90s and so on. It’s tragic and horrible and apparently nothing can be done to stop it. 

What about Northern Ireland? 

Largely the same, except it mostly stopped for a bit but it turns out they still hate each other. Seriously, this was like every news headline for what seemed like decades. 

And Bennifer? 

That was even worse. An absolute 24/7 non-stop media blitz from 2002 to 2004. All channels, all newspapers, films, music videos, everything. We barely escaped with our lives. 

Surely there’s something we can do to stop it? 

Mmm. Good luck. Israel has America on its side, it’s an anti-Semitism minefield and the roots go back about 3,000 years. In Northern Ireland both sides are prepared to throw petrol bombs at anyone saying the wrong thing. And with Affleck-Lopez you’re going up against the entire gossip-media entertainment complex, plus stans on Twitter. 

So what do we do? 

Same as last time. Accept we’re powerless to intervene and leave it to burn out on its own. And pray to God there isn’t another Gigli.