DO you think the weather is a fascinating topic of conversation and not in fact f**king dull? Here’s how to point out that rain droplets are falling from the sky today.
Sigh
Exhaling a wistful sigh from your nostrils while mournfully looking out of the window is a good way to communicate that you’ve noticed a light drizzle. Anyone else in the room will briefly wonder if you’ve received some tragic news, before quickly realising you’re being melodramatic about everyday weather again.
Have a long conversation about it
There’s not much to say about rain other than ‘It’s raining’, and even that’s pushing it. But if you’re really dull, spin this simple observation out into a full-blown conversation lasting half an hour. Other people don’t even need to say anything – feel free to make it a monologue about this incredible event.
Say ‘Fine weather for ducks!’
One for chirpy dullards who say ‘Every cloud…’ without finishing the sentence. Nobody usually gives a shit if waterfowl are enjoying the weather, so why make an exception when it’s raining?
Comment on how we needed it
You’re not a farmer whose livelihood depends on the soil getting decent saturation, so stop sounding so earnest. Chances are you’re actually surrounded by parched house plants who are yearning to be held out of the window for a drink because you’ve totally neglected them now the novelty’s worn off.
Run under cover while shrieking
At the first spot of rain completely lose your shit, frantically hold your coat over your head, then race to find cover while shrieking as if lava is falling from the sky. In modern Britain there are no recorded cases of anyone getting hypothermia and dying after getting a bit wet popping out to the shops.
