Victims of wokeness tell their harrowing stories

VICTIMS of ‘wokeness’ have bravely shared their accounts of the devastating effect it has had on their lives. WARNING: Contains disturbing material.

Martin Bishop, 68

I was sitting down for my tea the other day and put on the television only to see an advert for Morrisons with a black family in it. 

I mean, don’t get me wrong. I’m all for coloured people up to a point. Some of my best friends know coloured people.

But at teatime? This sickening diversity propaganda put me right off my potato waffles.

Eleanor Shaw, 58

My daughter, who’s not married yet, tells me she insists on being referred to as ‘Ms’.

What’s wrong with ‘Miss’? These snowflakes probably want to ban Agatha Christie because it’s not ‘Ms Marple’. No one’s suggested that but I was so upset imagining it I had to sign off work for a fortnight.

What really distresses me though is people putting preferred pronouns on social media. It’s ruined every normal person’s life.

Roy Hobbs, 60

After 25 years of wrestling with my conscience, I finally accepted the concept of the homosexuals.

I had a breakthrough last week when I was able to utter the words ‘Larry Grayson’ without vomiting. 

But now they’re throwing these transgenders in our faces. It never ends. I mean, couldn’t they have waited, say, 40 years, just to give us a breather?

Have you been a victim of woke? Contact us at [email protected]

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Things you should hide before someone you fancy comes over

IS your home full of possessions that might be off-putting to a potential partner? Here are some items you should definitely hide before they come over.

Serial killer books 

If you’ve got books about Dennis Nilsen, Harold Shipman, Fred West, Ted Bundy and all the ‘classic’ serial killers, a woman will not be discussing them because she’s interested in your research into deviant psychology. She’s just buying time before she bolts for the door.

Extremely girly DVDs 

Confronted by a wall of Girls, Sex and the City, Jennifer Aniston romcoms, The OC and Mamma Mia films, a man will correctly deduce that you rewatch a lot of crap TV, and he will have to do the same. Hide them, and only once you’re a couple subject him to Dawson’s Creek five nights a week. 

Nazi stuff

The Nazis are an oddly acceptable form of entertainment, be it books, films or documentaries. However if you’ve got a biography of Himmler and a dozen Sven Hassel novels with titles like SS Death Squad Massacre, perhaps pop those under the bed.

Your doll collection

Any doll collection sends out bad messages. Antique dolls: just creepy. Kids’ dolls like Sindy: I have never grown up. ‘Collectable’ dolls: I am a mug who wastes money on overpriced tat. Baby dolls: let’s get married and have a baby next week. If you’re a male doll collector, there’s also: I might be Norman Bates.

Weirdo pets

Snakes and tarantulas are the obvious pets that need a holiday in the loft when a potential shag comes over, unless you’re Gavin Williamson or a Goth. Piranhas, ant farms and stick insects will also cramp your style. If you’ve got some sort of exotic wild cat, get rid of it anyway before it grows to four feet long and eats you.

Incredibly predictable art

Henri Matisse’s The Dance is so predictable that a framed print of Airwolf would be more artistically interesting. Get a ‘Where’s Wally?’ poster instead and you’ll soon be holding hands looking for the specky bastard.