Five things you can get out of by blaming the cost-of-living crisis

THE cost-of-living crisis isn’t all bad news, except for the Tories. It’s a cast-iron excuse to get out of these obligations: 

Expensive date nights

Taking your other half out for a meal and a trip to the cinema isn’t cheap, and when it’s twice a year it adds up. But in this crisis there’s no way you can justify a Nando’s and a Meerkat Movies. Date night is now staying home and eating toast, and if your partner starts whingeing, cock an eyebrow towards the energy meter.

Getting a round in

Buying a round used to be an efficient way of ordering alcoholic drinks that didn’t break the bank. But thanks to soaring inflation rates it nudges you perilously close to falling below the poverty line, so your mates will have to get them in for the foreseeable future. You wish there was another way but that’s just how it is. Your hands are tied.

Seeing relatives

Your parents would love to see you, but they live 45 minutes away. And with diesel at £1.81 a litre that’s going to cost you £11 each way even if there isn’t any traffic, which isn’t sustainable just to hear two old people moaning about the ITV daytime schedule. It’s purely based on economics, mum.


The rip-off of weddings aren’t confined to the happy couple and the big day. Guests are forced to spend hundreds on the stag and hen do, buy a present, buy clothes, get to wherever quaint venue the bullshit’s happening and stay the f**king night. Return the wedding invite with your most recent electricity bill stapled to it. They’ll get the message.

Buying healthy food

Healthy food costs a fortune and tastes like shit. McDonald’s fries or a Greggs sausage roll are delicious and give you enough change from a fiver for Haribo Starmix. The nutritional value is zero, but they stave off hunger pangs way better than an M&S sushi roll.

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Pitch just a large grassed area, pitch invaders discover

PITCH invaders at football games have discovered that the pitch is no more than a large grassed oblong with white lines painted on it. 

Supporters who have finally overcome their inhibitions and run onto the field of play have reported that it is basically kind of like the bowling green at your local park, but bigger.

Man City fan Oli O’Connor said: “I was so excited when my team won the league, in accordance with all predictions since August last year, I thought I’d treat myself to finding out what the pitch is really like.

“My heart was in my mouth as I leapt the barrier onto the hallowed turf, only to find it’s basically turf. Turf, like you’d buy from a garden centre.

“I wandered around a bit, wondering if I’d missed the special spots that make this an incredible playground for millionaire superstars, but if anything it felt more ordinary the longer I was on there.

“It’s almost as if there’s not anything intrinsically magical about football and it’s all just me projecting my frustrated hopes and dreams onto a sporting entity that’s f**k all to do with them.

He added: “We broke the crossbar anyway, making the goal smaller so next season it’ll be harder for other teams to score against us. Until we change ends at half-time.”