Five warning signs a man is about to remove clothing in public

THERE’S been some slightly warm weather, and that means men stripping off. Luckily, like tremors before an earthquake, these warning signs will help you detect when a man is about to disrobe.

Sudden improvement in posture

Prior to revealing his bare torso in public, a man will suck his belly in, pull his shoulders back and appear to carry invisible suitcases under each arm. This performance will last the entire time whilst bare-chested. When clothed again his posture will revert to normal and he’ll be exhausted from the effort. He’ll probably need a beer to recuperate.

Making a joke

Before removing clothing in public a man will often make a none-too-hilarious joke, such as: ‘You can look but you can’t touch!’ Deflecting his self-consciousness with humour shows that deep down he knows people don’t really want to see his beer belly, gangly frame or spotty shoulders. Fortunately you are now forewarned and have time to evacuate the vicinity. 

Becoming aware of other people

Normally a man is blissfully unaware of people around him. But in certain situations, such as changing into trunks at the beach, he’ll do a horribly awkward strip under a towel, which draws more attention to the fact that he’s naked underneath than a brief flash of arse. Or he may use the technique of making himself temporarily invisible by standing behind someone else.

Scoring a goal

If a man considers himself to have ‘scored a goal’, either metaphorically or in a park kick around, he may pull whatever top he’s wearing over his head, revealing the hairy bag of custard that was once a stomach. You’re not Sergio Aguero, tuck your faded Oasis tour t-shirt back in and sit down. 

Singing the stripper tune

By far the most obvious signal of impending clothing removal is ‘singing’ the classic striptease tune, The Stripper, with accompanying pseudo-erotic movements. Neither amusing nor sexy, this Tragic Mike’s striptease is less likely to turn a partner on and more likely to turn their stomach. A pair of sweaty Adidas sports socks should not be twirled like silk stockings.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

12 things that only happen when you're already pissed off

DO you ever feel like the universe hates you? Why else would it do these things to you when you’re already having a shit day?

1. Stubbing your toe. Not too bad but as it always happens when you’re having a very bad day it feels like the last straw and you want a good sob.

2. Getting your sleeve caught on a door handle. This is particularly annoying when storming out during an argument, especially if it rips your sodding sleeve.

3. Spilling an entire pint of milk. Just the kind of thing that happens first thing in the morning to create extra hassle when you’re running late and are pissed off because it’s stupid work again.

4. Maybe you should look at cute photos of puppies to cheer you up, but oh no you can’t, because the universe has just made sure your phone has run out of battery.

5. You are finally at work but things don’t get any better because you forgot to save the document you have been working on all morning and you have lost the whole thing.

6. Thank god, lunchtime! You nip out to grab a well-earned bacon roll to cheer you up, only to discover you’ve forgotten your wallet. It’s not really worth going out twice, so it’s a soggy cheese mush sandwich from the company shop.

7. When you pop to the shop on your way home your carrier bag breaks. Somehow you don’t want to eat your ready meal now it’s been on the ground. Irrational, but it’s in your brain now.

8. You just want to get home now but the universe isn’t going to make this easy. Every single traffic light you come to turns to red.

9. You get home after the worst day ever to discover you’ve locked yourself out and forgotten your keys. Now is a good time to scream. Instead you wait for your partner to get back. Don’t feel you have to rush or anything. FFS.

10. It is not a myth that tea bags wait until you really, desperately need a cuppa before they run out.

11. Sod it. You are exhausted so you go to be early and hope tomorrow will be better but what’s this? You stripped the bed this morning and forgot to put the covers on.

12. Finally, you lie down and close your eyes but the universe isn’t done with you yet. The next door neighbours have decided that now is a good time to do some DIY. They are drilling. At 9pm. Time to have that cry.