Retired man tortured by fevered imaginings of how easy homeworker's day is

A RETIREE is unable to rest because he is tormented by visions of homeworkers mocking him with their easy lives.

Norman Steele, aged 70, worked hard all his life only for the world to go insane and let people sit at home with their feet up on full pay, laughing at him.

He said: “46 years I was at that dairy. Started at the bottom and moved up to management but I was bloody well there when my shift started or I lost my job.

“And now, just because they’ve got laptops and wifi, these young ones think they can call lying in the garden working. Playing on their Donkey Kong machines is working? Social mediating with their friends is working? Rees-Mogg’s right to tell them to get back to the office.

“I know how it works. They answer one email then they’re binge-watching Netflix and rolling marijuana cigarettes. Or ten minutes on Zoom then they’re down the gym with Loose Women on top volume. By 3pm they’re having a beer in a hammock. Is that working?

“Next door but two supposedly works from home. Well I’ve seen her hanging washing out at 11am. So that proves the whole thing is a total failure and needs to be stopped. By the army if necessary.”

He added: “I’ve not been able to concentrate on my sudoku all day and I couldn’t enjoy Homes Under The Hammer. I had to have a few extra lunchtime single malts to take my mind off these skivers laughing at hardworking people like me.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

If only there were a precedent for spotting predatory DJs, says BBC

TIM Westwood’s alleged misconduct might have been prevented if there were another big name predatory DJ the BBC could have learned from, the broadcaster has said.

The BBC has stated it is ashamed and disgusted that it might have let a prominent DJ get away with claimed sexual misconduct, and wishes there was some sort of famous case study it could refer to.

A spokesperson said: “Tim Westwood was a popular presenter with a unique, larger-than-life style. As far as knowing how to handle this situation, we’re in uncharted waters.

“He made people’s dreams come true in his TV show where he converted shit cars into even shitter cars, and rumours about his behaviour have been swirling around for decades. Fortunately celebrities never misuse the glamour of the music scene. It’s just unheard of.

“Perhaps the best thing to do is to get Louis Theroux to produce a documentary which humanises him. He could visit Westwood in his home and get an insight into his everyday life. I know, it’s a crazy idea, but I’m just brainstorming here.

“Or maybe we could wait until he dies before we start taking these allegations seriously. We’ll have a long wait and it’s not a perfect solution, but hopefully it’ll ensure this sort of thing never happens again.”