Five ways to get to sleep when two bottles of Merlot isn't cutting it

DO you struggle to sleep at night and booze just perks you up so you can fret about not being asleep? Here are some alternative ideas to help you nod off.

Stop thinking Red Bull is fit for human consumption

Or any other ‘energy drink’ that is basically a can of poison designed to keep you awake until you have a heart attack.

Don’t confuse ‘meditation’ with ‘long silent worrying’

If you try bedtime meditation to clear your mind but instead find it full of paranoid thoughts about losing your job, getting cancer or accidentally killing someone and going on the run, try an audio book instead.

Don’t watch World’s Scariest Police Chases until 2am

High-speed car chases accompanied by hysterical commentary isn’t going to lull you gently into the land of nod. Try something you’d need combat pilot amphetamines to stay awake to, such as BBC Business Live.

Sleep in a different room from your partner

It’s probably their fault anyway, the snoring, wriggling, generally irritating sleep thief. Your sex life may suffer, but let’s face it, you gave up on that nonsense three months after you moved in together.

Hit yourself over the head with a brick

Desperate times call for desperate measures. Even if you don’t knock yourself out, the concussion will be like smoking a bag of Spice for free.


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Homegrown weed shit again

A MAN’S homegrown weed has turned out to be absolutely unsmokeable crap yet again, his friends have confirmed.

Nathan Muir has been lovingly raising his marijuana crop in his spare room, using seeds from Amsterdam and UV lights on a motorised tracking system, only to produce the usual dry green leaves with barely a hint of THC.

Friend Tom Booker said: “What’s the opposite of green fingers? That’s Nathan.

“Other people produce decent homegrown. My mate Simon once put a couple of seeds from some crappy ditchweed in a plant pot and produced a plant glistening with crystals. We lost three months.

“But Nathan, bless him, puts in the time and effort, follows all the tips online, tends them carefully and even leaves 6 Music on for them during the day. Then we get a bag of dry brown buds that wouldn’t get a hamster high.

“It is absolutely standard-setting homegrown. The police could use this as the baseline above which any weed grown is illegal. It’s not even any good as hemp.”

Booker added: “We’ll still smoke it though. It’s easier than scoring.”