F**king New Year still f**king on

THE nation’s partygoers are cursing the government’s refusal to lock down because it means f**king New Year is still f**king happening. 

Boris Johnson’s ongoing game of chicken with the Omicron variant means Boxing Day restrictions which were expected to close pubs, nightclubs and all the other New Year hellholes have been suspended indefinitely. 

Grace Wood-Morris, aged 25, said: “F**king Boris. Letting us go out and party to welcome in a new year. He’s lost my f**king vote. 

“Seriously, I’ve got to get an outfit now? And make plans to meet about seven different groups in different bars, half of which will suddenly be closed and the other half will suddenly add a £12 entry charge? 

“And get coke, and have to share it with twats, and get groped all night by blokes who think calendar changes make women horny, and wait 90 minutes in the freezing cold for an Uber that costs three times more than even my wildest projections. It sucks. 

“Now my only hope is to catch Covid from my lecherous uncle over the Christmas table. Fingers crossed.” 

Johnson replied: “Well I’m having an absolutely massive party at Downing Street, so f**k you.”

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Coca-Cola made Santa red, and other tedious Christmas facts peddled by twats

LOOKING forward to the tedium of talking to arseholes who love Christmas trivia? Here are some well-known facts you’ll have patronisingly explained to you.

It’s actually a pagan festival, don’t you know?

One of your weird cousins, in a bid to be edgy, will say Christmas was originally a pagan festival. Well, Jesus’s mum was a virgin apparently (yeah, right), so not much stacks up with the story anyway. Who cares so long as you’re able to eat vast amounts of Roses?

Coca-Cola made Santa red

Some smug prick will say: ‘Did you know Santa wasn’t red until Coca-Cola portrayed him that way in an advert?’ This is common knowledge, or rather ‘common ignorance’ and you can relish being the top pedant when you tell them Santa has been a variety of different colours before Coke, including red, so he’s talking out his arse.

Trafalgar Square tree

If you stop to admire the massive Norwegian Christmas tree in Trafalgar Square, some know-it-all won’t miss the opportunity to point out that it’s a tradition dating back to WWII to thank Britain for saving Norway. Anyone who can read or understand a TV knows this. Plus it would be nice not to think about the Nazis at Christmas. 

‘Surprising’ Christmas hazards

For most people, Christmas decorations are comforting and fun. However some clever dick will hit you with precise statistics about how many people fall to their death every year while decorating the tree. And that drying-out conifer covered in cheap lights is a fire hazard that’ll see you and everyone you love burned to death. Merry Christmas to you too, Poundland Stephen Fry.

Christmas wreaths

No one stops to wonder why wreaths are a thing because there’s too much other weird stuff going on with Christmas. However, brace yourself for a tedious twat to tell you they actually symbolise the crown of thorns on Jesus’s head when he was crucified, and that the red berries are his blood. Beat him at his own morbid game by graphically explaining that Matchmakers represent the big, filthy iron nails hammered through Jesus’s wrists before he took days to die.