How will you get your fill of blandness and tedium when Coldplay stop recording?

IN devastating news for lovers of the nondescript and the homoeopathically dilute, Coldplay will stop recording in 2025. So how to replicate listening to Chris Martin and the other ones?

Drink six consecutive pints of lukewarm orange squash

Not quickly, mind – slowly, over the course of an evening. Such is the experience of enduring Parachutes more than once. Don’t be tempted to make your squash too strong – keep it weak and flavourless. Careful now.

Go and visit a loading bay

On a Tuesday morning at 6am. In February. In Doncaster. Without bringing a book or phone. Experience the full-on dullness of Chris Martin’s self-absorption via endless the transportation of featureless cardboard boxes you have no interest in.

Collect your toenail clippings for a year, then eat them in a large sandwich

With the whitest, cheapest bread. You’ll find it at the far end of the bread aisle in Morrisons. If you find toenails too interesting and textured, use water as a sandwich filling instead.

Read aloud a full transcript of all speeches at the 2021 Liberal Democrat conference

Digesting the inconsequential thoughts of Ed Davey is just as exciting as the ponderous piano chords of Trouble meandering pointlessly round and round in your head.

Watch a blank VHS tape 60 times

Some might say Coldplay are making the right decision if they’ve run out of ideas, but that would imply that they ever ran into an idea in the first place. A blank tape binge is the perfect substitute for music that sounds of nothing.

Spend 45 minutes in the company of Gwyneth Paltrow

Listen to her twitter interminably about her range of vacuous, new age snake oil products for gullible featherheads and you’ll respect anyone with the stamina for sheer, solipsistic boredom that allows them to listen once to Coldplay’s Ghost Stories.

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Man hopes new Matrix film doesn't ruin original trilogy, two-thirds of which was shit

A MAN hopes the new Matrix film does not ruin the original trilogy, only one-third of which is any good.

Cinemagoer Tom Booker is nervous about watching The Matrix Resurrections in case it breaks the franchise’s streak of one bona fide masterpiece, a confusing sequel with a cool car chase, and a finale he has chosen to forget.

He said: “The stakes are high for this instalment. If it’s crap then the number of decent Matrix films is reduced to a quarter. That good-to-shit ratio isn’t quite as bad as the Jurassic Park films, but it’s not far off either.

“All this film has to do is reintroduce Neo and Trinity to a new generation, tell a simple yet thought-provoking story which builds on the previous films, and make up some new special effects that will define a generation. How hard can it be?

“So long as there’s loads of cool gun fights, audiences will be happy. The last thing they want is a meta-commentary on the films themselves or a wry look at how the imagery of the red pill has been hijacked by the alt right.”

Emerging from the screening, he added: “I don’t want to talk about it.”