IN devastating news for lovers of the nondescript and the homoeopathically dilute, Coldplay will stop recording in 2025. So how to replicate listening to Chris Martin and the other ones?
Drink six consecutive pints of lukewarm orange squash
Not quickly, mind – slowly, over the course of an evening. Such is the experience of enduring Parachutes more than once. Don’t be tempted to make your squash too strong – keep it weak and flavourless. Careful now.
Go and visit a loading bay
On a Tuesday morning at 6am. In February. In Doncaster. Without bringing a book or phone. Experience the full-on dullness of Chris Martin’s self-absorption via endless the transportation of featureless cardboard boxes you have no interest in.
Collect your toenail clippings for a year, then eat them in a large sandwich
With the whitest, cheapest bread. You’ll find it at the far end of the bread aisle in Morrisons. If you find toenails too interesting and textured, use water as a sandwich filling instead.
Read aloud a full transcript of all speeches at the 2021 Liberal Democrat conference
Digesting the inconsequential thoughts of Ed Davey is just as exciting as the ponderous piano chords of Trouble meandering pointlessly round and round in your head.
Watch a blank VHS tape 60 times
Some might say Coldplay are making the right decision if they’ve run out of ideas, but that would imply that they ever ran into an idea in the first place. A blank tape binge is the perfect substitute for music that sounds of nothing.
Spend 45 minutes in the company of Gwyneth Paltrow
Listen to her twitter interminably about her range of vacuous, new age snake oil products for gullible featherheads and you’ll respect anyone with the stamina for sheer, solipsistic boredom that allows them to listen once to Coldplay’s Ghost Stories.