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Friend who claims to be okay thinking of living on a houseboat

A FRIEND who says they are fine is nevertheless considering moving out of their flat to live on a houseboat, it has emerged.

Tom Logan has undermined his claim that his life is going well by outlining a plan to forego normal accommodation and live in a cramped houseboat he will have to move to a new location every few weeks.

Logan said: “Nothing to worry about here, mate. I just want to retreat from reality and turn my back on basic standards of living.

“Honestly, losing my wife and job has been a blessing for me. Now I can pursue my passion for slowly cruising along waterways and wrestling with giant sluice gates. Things really couldn’t be going better for me.

“Kicking around my one-bedroom flat was becoming a drag anyway. I had all this spare room going to waste where I could stretch and swing my limbs. Squeezing myself into a narrow floating corridor will be a massive upgrade.

“If anything I’m more concerned about you. There’s a real risk you’ll never know the joy of paying mooring fees or using communal showers at marinas. That’s living.”

Mutual friend Ellie Shaw said: “I wasn’t worried when Tom was getting into gambling and taking drugs. Moving onto a houseboat though is grounds for an intervention.”

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Taylor Swift, and other musicians who are a bit f**ked without bad relationships

WILL Taylor Swift’s engagement leave her without crap relationships to write songs about? None of these artists would have enjoyed the same success without miserable love lives.

Soft Cell 

‘The pain you drive into the heart of me’ is not the best basis for a relationship, but Soft Cell’s cover of Tainted Love was a huge hit in 1981. It’s odd that this should be the track they’re remembered for and not their BDSM fetish song about people of restricted growth, Sex Dwarf.

Taylor Swift

If you mostly write relationship songs like We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together, getting engaged presents a major problem. Basically Taylor’s got two options now: have affairs with other people and slag them off, or write songs about loved-up domestic bliss. No one wants Travis to be sad, but it might be preferable to a double album of songs like Aw You Remembered I Like Orange Twixes That Is So Sweet.

KC and the Sunshine Band

In many ways the ultimate getting-chucked song, Please Don’t Go has it all: actual begging, getting down on your knees, pathetically saying you’re lucky to have dated ‘someone as wonderful as you’. It’s unclear whether you’re meant to feel sorry for the guy or think: ‘Man up and have some f**king self-respect, mate.’

Hank Williams

Country classic Your Cheatin’ Heart really sticks it to Hank Williams’ no-good first wife: ‘Your cheatin’ heart/ Will pine some day/ And crave the love/ You threw away.’ Sadly there’s not much evidence that cheaters feel this way, and mostly they just have lots of sex that’s better than it was with you.

ABBA

Numerous ABBA tunes, such as Winner Takes It All with its ‘loser standing small’, poignantly record the unhappiness and affairs as the group’s relationships fell apart. On the other hand, when you look at the disparity in attractiveness between the boys and the girls, Benny and Bjorn were clearly punching above their weight and perhaps should have ended their career with an upbeat number entitled Lucky To Get A Shag At All.

Fleetwood Mac

Fleetwood Mac ‘thrived’ on affairs and heartbreak. If Christine McVie hadn’t been shagging their sound engineer and Mick Fleetwood wasn’t improbably porking both Stevie Nicks and her best friend, they’d have had nothing to write about and Rumours would just be full of songs about watching TV and going to the shops.

Jimi Hendrix

Jimi’s breakout hit was Hey Joe, in which a guy offs his partner for ‘messing around with another man’. Leaving aside the problematic nature of executing unfaithful girlfriends, without Hey Joe a whole alternative timeline might have occurred where Jimi became famous at an older, more sensible age, did not die and now does boogie-woogie versions of Purple Haze on Jools’ Annual Hootenanny.

Joan Jett and the Blackhearts 

I Hate Myself For Loving You clearly struck a chord with anyone who’s their own worst enemy when it comes to relationships. And for Joan and the guys, it’s lucky they had any hits after saddling themselves with the worst band name ever, in a crowded field that includes Limp Bizkit, Hootie & the Blowfish and Abörted Hitler Cöck.

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