Funko Pops, and other stuff that will be worth f**k all in 20 years

COLLECTING useless tat in the delusion that it will be worth a fortune one day? You’d have been better investing in a nightly takeaway than this crap:

Funko Pops

They’re ugly and they watch you from their shelf, but you’ve convinced yourself that a big-headed black costume Spider-Man should be preserved for posterity. They may represent every franchise on Earth in dizzyingly weird variants but that doesn’t mean they’re worth shit. Future archaeologists will think they were our gods and, to be honest, we deserve that.

Adele on vinyl

Vinyl thinks it’s cool again but can’t escape that it’s a shitty way to store music. In two decades hipsters will be bored of self-indulgently twirling their moustaches over their record players and remember that newer, better technology was invented. The charity shops will be choked with copies of 30.

NFTs

If you’re buying one of these you don’t know what it is but missed out on Bitcoin and some tech influencer convinced you this will hack the future instead. Don’t bother learning what they are, it doesn’t matter. The only non-fungible item in high demand in 2042 will be Canesten.

Trainers

Your garage is lined with boxed original limited edition Air Jordans in one-of-a-kind colourways. You’ve never worn them. Neither will anyone, because after your death your kids will try to cash in, discover all the other sneakerheads’ families have done the same, and your worthless shoes will go straight to landfill.

Warhammer figurines

The painstaking effort that goes into painting these delicate tiny figures, and their sheer cost, should really give them some value. No, though. Anyone conned into squinting lovingly at their Adeptus Arbites has been sorely misled and will have to be gently reintroduced to the outside world once again.

Anything Disney

A one-of-a-kind Mickey Mouse animation cel from the 2015 animation Goofy’s Grandma? Wow, You know he’s out of copyright next year? Anyone can use him. He’ll be appearing as Hey Duggee’s sidekick.

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Your parents' six utterly trivial obsessions that make you want to shit

DO your parents’ long-running obsessions make you so frustrated you go down the end of their garden for an angry fag? They never shut up about this bullshit:

The building of the neighbours’ extension

Next door’s extension isn’t a problem or anything. Your parents just monitor it intently because they’ve got f**k all else to do. You’ll be regaled with every suspicious detail, like ‘They had two vans round yesterday’ or your dad opining ‘Bet they’ve had to break into their savings.’

Something they heard on the radio

On Radio 5 Live it said some mackerel in the North Sea had unusually high levels of polonium. So naturally your mum’s banned all fish and demands full disclosure of your fish intake. All the more aggravating when instantly forgotten about when they fancy a nice bit of cod.

What Claudia Winkleman was wearing

More of a mum thing, but your dad is complicit for not telling her to shut up. Celebrity outfits and facts are noted and related like an unimaginative Stasi agent never questioning whether his huge files of mundane facts about unremarkable citizens serve any purpose.

The future of the spare room

Hearing about this would be fine if they plan to turn it into a study or a cobra vivarium. Instead your dad plans to chuck out some junk and repaint it. Hardly a heinous crime except you’ve heard this 200 times over the past three years and the room remains unchanged.

The way they like it

Does your mum pointlessly warm the mugs before making tea? Is your dad the only person allowed to unlock the shed? The endless weird practices are like the strange rituals of monks to pacify God, except even God was fine with not always leaving the Radio Times open on the right day.

Speculation about strangers

The chap two doors down wears a suit to work. But he’s got a Transit van. What’s that about? It’s an enthralling mystery. They could just ask him, because it’s not like they’re accusing him of being a serial killer, but they never will. It works better as a very, very boring guessing game.

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