Gen Z romanticising about growing up pre-internet wouldn't have lasted a day

DELUDED young people fantasising about growing up before the internet and social media would not have lasted five f**king minutes, their elders and betters have confirmed. 

Teenagers who are romanticising the era of the Spice Girls and dial-up modems have no idea how much every aspect of life back then sucked total balls.

Idealistic 20-year-old Grace Wood-Morris said: “Life would have been so much better in the distant past, like 1992, when Kurt Cobain yet roamed the earth.

“There was no Instagram or TikTok so there was no pressure to look good. We had no idea about global warming, so everyone grew up happy and carefree and full of hope for the future, again like Kurt Cobain.

“People were kinder and didn’t do dreadful things like vote Tory, boyfriends never asked for nudes because they hadn’t been invented, everyone played vinyl all the time and friendships were real.

“Imagine how cute it would have been to call your crush up on their ‘landline’. It even sounds adorable! And if he dumped you he’d have to do it in person, perhaps while smoking indoors. What a wonderful time.”

Mother Sarah Wood-Morris said: “Grace? She would have spent five years of school crying in the bogs. And deserved it, the nerdy little anime bitch.”

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How much of a twat do you have to be for your bank to hate you?

FORMER UKIP leader Nigel Farage has confirmed he is exploring bold new frontiers of twatdom by being so much of a twat even his bank hates him.

Farage, the man who brought us Brexit and now does not even like it, had his account closed by Coutts because he is so loathsome that even bankers specialising in the extremely wealthy cannot bear him.

He said: “You wouldn’t believe who’s a Coutts customer. Prince Andrew for one.

“Its policy of only offering accounts to high net-worth individuals means it caters to the crème de la scum of British society. People so venal and money-obsessed they’ve done nothing but f**k over decent people their entire lives.

“So for them to say my ‘commentary and behaviours… do not align with the bank’s purpose and values’ means I am a leader in abhorrence. To be rejected by these people is a badge of negative honour that puts me up there with despots.

“It just goes to show that I, and the other vile, insufferable pricks like me, are the real persecuted minorities in society. Not foreigners or the poor or any of that rabble.

“Catch me on GB News tonight, where I will once again be pushing the envelope of arseholism. 7pm, followed by Jacob Rees-Mogg and the execrable Dan Wooton.”