Getting letters, and other things that become shit when you grow up

GETTING a letter as a kid was incredibly exciting, but when you’re grown up it’s most likely to be a council tax bill. So what other things lose their magic when you grow up?

Getting a letter

Getting post as a child usually meant it was your birthday and the envelope would contain the astronomical sum of £5 from a relative who couldn’t be arsed to buy you a present. Now it’s more likely to be a bill or a summons to do jury duty on a boring fraud case.

The top 40

You used to spend Sunday night glued to the top 40, fingers poised to press the record button. Now if you happen to catch it you’re perplexed by the strange collection of noises that are currently considered ‘music’ and quickly switch over to the safety of Radio 2.

Answering the phone

As a child, answering the phone was a thrill, even if it was just reciting your whole telephone number to the person who’d dialled the wrong number. How times have changed. Today you’ll avoid answering it like the plague as it will either be a PPI scam or an ex who wants to remind you you’re a twat.


Being allowed to cook a meal as a kid gave you access to exciting things like sharp knives and flames. As an adult, feeding yourself every day is just a massive chore and you’ll probably make do with toast for the ninth evening running.

Going to a theme park

Alton Towers was basically Shangri-La when you were a child, a magical wonderland of fun and adventure. Now the thought of going on a rollercoaster makes you want to vomit and you understand why your parents were reluctant to waste a couple of hundred quid on feeling sick.

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How to actually have sex with a Union Jack

ARE you an ardent ‘flag shagger’ who’d like to literally have sexual intercourse with a Union Jack? Here’s how to go about it if you’re a patriotic weirdo or a Tory MP.

Pay your flag compliments 

Not cheesy chat-up lines like ‘I think Heaven must be missing a flag’. Say things like: ‘I think that large red cross goes really well with your white diagonal lines and blue triangles.’

Have a romantic meal with your flag

Make an effort and cook something special like lobster thermidor, not just spaghetti bolognese. Don’t make too much food though, as flags don’t eat anything. And be careful if it’s a candlelit dinner, because your flag catching fire could ruin your evening. 

Ask your flag questions about itself

Getting to know your Union Jack shows you’re genuinely interested in them as a flag and not just looking for a cheap flag-shag. Try ‘So what’s it like being up a flagpole all day?’ or ‘What are your long-term plans in the flag industry?’.


When the time comes to make love to your Union Jack, foreplay is important. Try licking it, gently nibbling on the edges or sensually playing with its bit of string like the weird nationalist that you are.

Be a considerate flag shagger

Make sure your flag’s sexual needs are satisfied. Luckily flags don’t have orgasms, so basically all you need to do is give it a quick go in the washing machine in the morning. 

Text your flag promptly the next day

If you’re serious about this relationship – which you are – let your flag know with a text. One day you might even get married to your flag and start a family of little half-human flag babies, which is surely what Tory twats like Robert Jenrick and Oliver Dowden have considered.