Saturday, 24th October 2020

Giving an erotic massage and other activities you'll regret 30 seconds after starting

MANY things in life seem like a brilliant idea to begin with before almost immediately becoming tedious, painful and irritating. Here are some to avoid: 

Erotic massage

Offering to massage your partner as a precursor to sex seems like a wonderful idea. The reality is that squishing their shoulders like Play-Doh whilst throwing in the odd karate chop isn’t fun for anyone. You get a painful cramp and they get annoyed that you’ve ruined their sheets with baby oil.

Ringing your parents

It seems like a nice thing to do, until your mum picks up and you realise you’re getting the same conversational set menu as always: moaning about your siblings, a vaguely racist anecdote about the neighbours and 15 solid minutes on the saga of their new blinds.

Camping

Camping loses its lustre even before the bit where you have to put the tent up in horizontal rain and then do a shit in a bush, when you realise how much equipment you have to take with you. Unfortunately you’ve already paid the best part of £200 to spend a week hating every second of your life, so you’re committed now.

Taking the bus

Sometimes taking the bus seems like a good alternative to driving. The second you set foot on it, you change your mind. Apart from the usual perpetually furious driver, sticky seats and inconvenient, circuitous journey, you now have to ask the aggressive oddball next to you if they could wear their mask properly and stop breathing on you.

Crosswords

Relaxing with a crossword seems like a great idea until you’ve scanned all the clues fruitlessly and realise you know f**k all. You’ll eventually get two easy ones right after cheating with Google, and then abandon it on your coffee table as a lingering reminder that you’re just a bit thick.