Giving an erotic massage and other activities you'll regret 30 seconds after starting

MANY things in life seem like a brilliant idea to begin with before almost immediately becoming tedious, painful and irritating. Here are some to avoid: 

Erotic massage

Offering to massage your partner as a precursor to sex seems like a wonderful idea. The reality is that squishing their shoulders like Play-Doh whilst throwing in the odd karate chop isn’t fun for anyone. You get a painful cramp and they get annoyed that you’ve ruined their sheets with baby oil.

Ringing your parents

It seems like a nice thing to do, until your mum picks up and you realise you’re getting the same conversational set menu as always: moaning about your siblings, a vaguely racist anecdote about the neighbours and 15 solid minutes on the saga of their new blinds.

Camping

Camping loses its lustre even before the bit where you have to put the tent up in horizontal rain and then do a shit in a bush, when you realise how much equipment you have to take with you. Unfortunately you’ve already paid the best part of £200 to spend a week hating every second of your life, so you’re committed now.

Taking the bus

Sometimes taking the bus seems like a good alternative to driving. The second you set foot on it, you change your mind. Apart from the usual perpetually furious driver, sticky seats and inconvenient, circuitous journey, you now have to ask the aggressive oddball next to you if they could wear their mask properly and stop breathing on you.

Crosswords

Relaxing with a crossword seems like a great idea until you’ve scanned all the clues fruitlessly and realise you know f**k all. You’ll eventually get two easy ones right after cheating with Google, and then abandon it on your coffee table as a lingering reminder that you’re just a bit thick.

The middle class twat's guide to buying drugs

DO you fancy a toot of coke to liven up a party but have no idea how to purchase anything stronger than paracetamol? Here’s what to do.

Sheepishly ask around your friends

Asking your mates if they know where you can buy some drugs will end in several of them them ditching you for being a criminal. Never mind, though, because eventually you’ll get a number off a friend of a friend of a friend of a dodgy bloke they met once met at a festival.

Send an embarrassingly middle class text

You shop at Waitrose too much to have any clue about the lingo to use with drug dealers, but try not to write something too cringeworthy. Anything that falls between the embarrassing extremes of ‘Please may I buy some drugs?’ and ‘Yo, blud. Got any gear?’ should do it.

Freak out about the pick-up

Your parents always told you never to do drugs or get in a car with a stranger, and now you’re about to do both at once. Try not to show your fear when they ask you to drive round the block with them and don’t start crying, however shit-your-pants scared you feel.

Try to make polite conversation

Because you’re so well brought up, your instinct will be to make small talk whilst the handover takes place. But while you think your dealer will appreciate a compliment about their seat upholstery, they actually just want you to hand over the money and f**k off.

Act like it was nothing

Once you’ve had a long lie down to calm your palpitations, you can pretend you buy drugs all the time. No one will be convinced, especially when you have a meltdown after one snort, convince yourself you’ve taken an overdose, and insist on being taken to A&E.