Glamping just like staying in luxury hotel but you also crap in a hole

GLAMPING is exactly like staying at a posh hotel except you have to defecate into a hole in the ground, it has emerged.

25-year-old Nikki Hollis, who recently attended a two-day pampering and glamping hen party, was assured the trip would be ‘just like a five-star resort’.

Hollis said: “Yes, it was exactly the same. I stayed in an expensive spa hotel once and we also had to trudge across a muddy field in the middle of the night to use the outhouse.

“Wait, no we didn’t, because we’re not 18th century peasants.

“You can’t flush the composting toilet so you know exactly what the person before you has done, which you don’t really want unless you’re a weirdo like Gillian McKeith.

“It’s basically shitting in the ground like a wild animal, except you do it onto sawdust like a slightly more domesticated animal.”

Owner of the ‘glampsite’ Mary Fisher said: “We have top-of-the range facilities. It could easily be the Ritz, if their toilets were full of other people’s turds.”

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Why A-levels are bullshit, by someone with a D and two Es

By Tom Logan, A-level student

I BELIEVE now is the time to address the issue of A-levels being stupid bullshit, which has nothing to do with my somewhat underwhelming results of D, E, E and U.

Let’s get one thing straight. A-levels do not prove you’re intelligent. There are many types of intelligence, such as ‘emotional intelligence’ or being intelligent at catching a ball. So with that myth demolished, let me move on.

All A-levels prove is you can digest information and make a logical argument. But what use is that in the real world where someone could come at you with a knife?

Subjects like chemistry are obsolete these days because everyone works at a computer. It’s obvious that A-levels are just a scam to keep nitpicking mediocrities like Mr Gosling, our head of sixth-form, off the dole queue.   

But the most damning criticism of A-levels is that most successful people don’t have any qualifications. Hard to believe, I know, and I haven’t checked it, but Sir Alan Sugar, Mark Zuckerberg and Alfred Einstein haven’t got a GCSE between them!

To a smart guy like me it’s clear the way to succeed is to sit in your bedroom inventing a smash hit app like Angry Birds, which I am going to do when mum gets back from Tesco with an A4 pad and some felt-tips.

So let’s ditch this A-level bullshit and allocate places at uni based on important skills: whether you’re a nice person and if you can play bass. If they did that I’d have a place at Oxford.

I wouldn’t go though, because now I intend to go travelling and use my real-life wisdom to become incredibly rich, although I might just go to Keele via clearing.