subscribe
/ Sign Out

Goth not sure if he should be excited for Halloween

A GOTH is not sure if he should be getting excited for Halloween or if it goes against his whole persona, it has emerged.

With weeks to go until mass celebration of everything dark, spooky and dead, committed goth Wayne Azrael-Nightshade is unsure whether he should look forward to October 31st or maintain his customary melancholy demeanour.

He said: “On the one hand there’s bats and skeletons and Grim Reaper outfits in B&M and Halloween episodes of The Simpsons. On the other, I’m expected to be a miserable killjoy at all times. It’s a tricky one.

“Would I be betraying the community by counting down the days with a beaming smile cracking my alabaster face? Or is delighting in an ancient Celtic festival focused on the occult consistent with my Gothic creed?

“My heart lifts when I see suburban houses draped in cobwebs with gravestones in the garden and ghosts in the windows. But I’m not sure my heart should lift. It’s meant to be shrivelled and black.

“F**k it. If everyone else can get into Christmas, I can get into the Halloween spirit. I’m stocking up on Haribo Sour Skeletons and getting a smoke machine for the hall. It’s what the forces of darkness would want.”

Friend Martin Bishop said: “I think Wayne’s made the right choice. Nothing looks more depressing than the sight of an adult selling out their beliefs.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

17 unmissable tv shows you can't be arsed with distilled down into one sentence

THERE’S far to much telly and everyone’s always trying to talk to you about it. These 17 shows you’ll never get round to can be summed up as follows: 

The Sopranos – Fat mob boss wears dressing gown, has mates with great names, ending was either genius or bollocks.

Succession – Excellent theme song followed by twats being twats to other twats, all of them rich, based on the Murdoch family about whom you don’t care.

Breaking Bad – Cancer-ridden teacher sells blue crystal meth with a lad clearly too old to be a teenager, following the rule of thumb that the balder Walt gets the more evil he is.

Mad Men – Advertising executive drama that’s cool as shit because everyone smokes and drinks like Wigan Working Men’s Club in the office during the day.

Lost – Cost a fortune to crash land a beautiful cast on an island that turns out to be up someone’s arse, for all the sense it ultimately made.

Game of Thrones – Fantasy epic with a cast so large you’re only just working out who someone is when they get killed, with gore, tits, dragons and a shite ending.

The X Files – 90s as f**k and not to be watched before bed, unless you want sex dreams about Scully that become nightmares about dated prosthetics.

The Handmaid’s Tale – A dystopian One Born Every Minute with more cloaks, hoods and public hangings.

Chernobyl – Spoiler alert, it doesn’t end well, and Trevor from Eastenders gets his knob out.

The West Wing – White House drama with busy people walking and talking through plotlines far less wildly imaginative than the Trump presidency.

The Wire – Baltimore crime epic with so much street drug slang that even now your mother refers to five-oh, the re-up, and burner phones.

Our Friends In The North – Five Geordies live through a dizzying array of major political issues over three decades, ending with car-twocking.

Peaky Blinders – Mumbling men in flat caps like it’s last orders in a rural pub, except they’re all gorgeous murderers.

The Walking Dead – Post-apocalpyse soap that, like its titular zombies, staggers on forever but is easily avoided.

Line of Duty – British cops pretend to be as thrillingly corrupt as American cops in long interrogation scenes where the best bit is changing the slides on a PowerPoint.

Deadwood – Western with mud, swearing, and Lovejoy being a right bastard but precisely no cowboys duel at high noon so f**k that.

The Crown – You’ve seen this one in real life and it’s no more interesting.

Next story ›