Grandmother doing whatever the f**k she wants 

A GRANDMOTHER has confirmed that she has reached an age where socially accepted standards of behaviour no longer apply to her.

82-year-old Ethel Booker’s hobbies include very slowly jaywalking across busy roads, chatting up the 20-year-old gardener and loudly saying disgusting, unthinkable things in public, just because she can.

She said: “What nobody tells you about growing old is that traffic just stops for you. Nobody wants to be the guy who ran over a little old lady.

“I can also ogle Tom, the handsome gardener while he works, and shout things like ‘show me your cock’. If anyone says anything I just burst into tears and say he reminds me of my late husband.”

Granddaughter Emma Booker said: “The other day we went for afternoon tea and Granny ordered a ‘lemon turd.’ When I corrected her, she replied: ‘I know what I said’.

“I’m happy she’s having fun, but I do wish she’d stop loudly telling random passers-by that they’re all fucking arseholes.”