Green tea and other things we're pretending aren't totally disgusting

SOME things in life are clearly disgusting, like racism or Michael Gove jogging. But some things we like to pretend aren’t. Such as these:

Green tea  

Everyone has green teabags in the back of their cupboard as a result of an abandoned attempt at a better lifestyle. Six months later you’ll try another ‘health kick’ and continue to pretend it doesn’t taste like swamp water. Stop lying to yourself and have a coffee and a Jammie Dodger instead.

Kissing dogs

They’re man or woman’s best friend, but there is no need to effectively French kiss your cocker spaniel. You feed them dog food made out of f**k knows what every day and have to stop them eating their own shits. Think about what’s going into your mouth.


This opulent seafood has been gracing menus for hundreds of years despite being absolutely revolting. Every time you eat one is like a mini panic attack, a form of culinary waterboarding. And if they’re so nice why do people drown them in tabasco, cocktail sauce or anything to mask the taste? 


It may be sold as pampering or a shortcut to relaxation, but let’s call it what it is: a stranger’s wandering hands all over your body. To the sound of tedious whale song. For a full hour. Well done, you’ve just spent £70 to be groped in a room above a betting shop. 

Public displays of affection

Great fun if you’re a self-absorbed, loved-up couple. But actually quite nauseating for onlookers, especially in a confined environment like the Tube, where other people are growing increasingly nervous that you’re about to actually start copulating in public like dogs.

Your jeans

Admit it – you haven’t washed them in months. No one has. Do that with other clothing and you’d be sitting through a very awkward disciplinary chat at work. Yes, they’re hard-wearing. But you’re not a cowboy. You just smell like one.

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How have you squandered 15 months of free money?

THE furlough scheme starts winding down today, meaning the end of 15 months of being paid for doing f**k all. But how did you squander the opportunity of a lifetime? 

Sophie Rodriguez, 24, beauty consultant

I’d always promised myself that if I got a year off I’d spend it on self-improvement, like learning Spanish or a martial art or to play piano. But instead I decided to spend the whole time lying down, bored and anxious, scrolling my phone. 

Eleanor Shaw, 38, office worker

I baked sourdough, the kids painted rainbows, we clapped for the NHS, quizzed on Zoom, loathed Cummings, went on a shit staycation, cancelled Christmas, developed a weeknight drinking problem, and hated the whole thing. So basically the same as working. 

Martin Bishop, 46, pharma sales rep

I’d always dreamed of writing a novel – a trilogy, the epic saga of science and magic-based civilisations clashing in a far future – and so on day one I began work. I’ve just finished it but unfortunately I have no talent and it’s total shite. 

Ryan Whittaker, 29, personal trainer

During those first crazy weeks nobody knew what to do, so I just played videogames. And as the months rolled on I continued to play videogames, and basically I’ve played videogames the whole time. Have you tried them? They’re f**king great. 

Susan Traherne, 55, airport employee

Heartened by all the tweets reminding us that Sir Isaac Newton discovered the laws of gravity and motion during the plague, I resolved to do the same. 15 months in I’ve got nowhere. I could have just watched telly. 

Roy Hobbs, 61, security guard

Took to it like a duck to water. I’m transitioning to the dole for a bit, then a pension, so I’ll spend the rest of my life on the government tit. But to compensate I’ll watch GB News all day and become hideously right-wing.