Hairdresser's hair not inspiring confidence in hairdressing abilities

A HAIRDRESSER’S hair is inspiring fear rather than confidence in her hair styling abilities. 

After taking a seat at her local salon, Nikki Hollis began to experience rising panic as she noticed stylist Emma Bradford’s worryingly alternative hairdo.

Hollis, 27, said: “Emma’s hair was like an Escher picture – every part I focused on led to more confusion.

“There were definitely a few different colours going on there, some very intriguing layers and I think she’s got some symbols shaved into an undercut.

“However I’d brought a picture of a simple bob, so I was sure it would be fine. It was not.”

Picking up on Hollis’s nervousness, Bradford reassured her that she would make her look ‘funky’ before setting to work. 

Hollis added: “In the time-honoured tradition of hairdressers, that was code for ‘I’ll do whatever I want’ and now I’ve got an asymmetric pixie cut that will take years to grow out.”

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How to be an offended baby boomer

DO you feel you’re being unfairly attacked for being a baby boomer, despite believing anyone with a grievance is a ‘snowflake’? Here’s what to do.

Suggest ‘boomer’ is a deeply offensive slur

Claim it’s on a par with racism and should be banned. Completely fail to see the irony that you’ve been moaning about political correctness for years and possibly even believe it was much better when you could call people ‘shirt-lifters’, ‘gypos’ and worse.  

Accuse anyone younger than you of lacking respect

Don’t concern yourself with whether simply being older means you deserve respect – after all, quite a few serial killers probably live to be 100. Also ignore the fact that younger people generally are quite respectful and are not all lazy scumbags just because they grew up with double glazing.

Double down on saying ‘In my day…’ 

Make growing up in the 1960s sound like some sort of Dickensian nightmare. Eventually you’ll be totally convinced you did have to walk uphill to school nine miles each way in three feet of snow, even if it never actually happened. Ideally all younger acquaintances should genuinely believe you lived in the Monty Python ‘Northerners’ sketch.

Insist you’re always right because of the Second World War

You weren’t actually in it, but your dad nearly was so that makes you hardened to the harsh realities of life, or something. This doesn’t really make sense, but nor does being a Daily Express reader who believes everyone and everything is terrible these days.