John Lewis Christmas advert stars dragon who burns his own d*ck off

THE new John Lewis advert stars Excitable Edgar, a dragon who burns off his own penis and has to wait until Christmas for a new one. 

The CGI dragon is so thrilled to see the festive season approaching that he lets loose a huge burst of flame and fries his own scaly member, then writes a letter to Santa asking for a new one. 

Director Eleanor Shaw said: “Edgar trudges round the fairytale city, sad that though winter is coming he’s lost his dragonly manhood and his Yuletide is ruined. 

“Finally Christmas Eve arrives and gifts fall magically from Santa’s sleigh, spiralling down through the snowy streets, but there’s nothing for poor Edgar. 

“That’s until he sees a final glowing parcel and unwraps a wonderful new penis, which is actually a John Lewis iridescent snake-textured dildo, the perfect gift for friends and relatives at £36. 

“Then, overcome with delight, Edgar takes off and burns down the whole town and its inhabitants, all set to a lovely acoustic cover of ‘The Heat Is On’ by Jess Glynne.” 

Nathan Muir of Colchester said: “Is it just me or is it a bit derivative of Game of Thrones this year?”

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Joy as director's cut actually involves some cutting

A DIRECTOR who shortened his original film rather than load an extra, pointless hour onto it has been widely praised.

Tom Logan’s 2015 sci-fi thriller Interdimensional – featuring themes of death, alienation and what it means to be human – originally lasted a bottom-aching three hours.

However for the film’s reissue Logan cut it down to 75 minutes, making it tolerable to a normal human being’s attention span.

Logan said: “I can’t believe this film was nominated for an Oscar. It’s a turgid, sprawling mess. I must have been really tired or something when I made it.

“I decided to cut 14 boring exposition scenes full of cod philosophy to just two. Then I deleted a bunch of stuff that was just an excuse to have characters smoking on screen.

“Once I’d removed all the inconsequential fight scenes I almost started to enjoy my own piece of overblown rubbish.

“I could have have cut it back to 20 minutes but the distributors said that was taking the mickey. At least now you’ve got a chance of getting to the pub before last orders.”