Saturday, 7th December 2019

John Lewis Christmas advert stars dragon who burns his own d*ck off

THE new John Lewis advert stars Excitable Edgar, a dragon who burns off his own penis and has to wait until Christmas for a new one. 

The CGI dragon is so thrilled to see the festive season approaching that he lets loose a huge burst of flame and fries his own scaly member, then writes a letter to Santa asking for a new one. 

Director Eleanor Shaw said: “Edgar trudges round the fairytale city, sad that though winter is coming he’s lost his dragonly manhood and his Yuletide is ruined. 

“Finally Christmas Eve arrives and gifts fall magically from Santa’s sleigh, spiralling down through the snowy streets, but there’s nothing for poor Edgar. 

“That’s until he sees a final glowing parcel and unwraps a wonderful new penis, which is actually a John Lewis iridescent snake-textured dildo, the perfect gift for friends and relatives at £36. 

“Then, overcome with delight, Edgar takes off and burns down the whole town and its inhabitants, all set to a lovely acoustic cover of ‘The Heat Is On’ by Jess Glynne.” 

Nathan Muir of Colchester said: “Is it just me or is it a bit derivative of Game of Thrones this year?”