Have you got an unhealthy cleaning obsession, ladies? Take my test, by a man

HEY ladies, are you unreasonably obsessed with domestic hygiene? Find out with this helpful test by me, a man.

How often should bedding be washed?

A) Every couple of weeks, when you have time between your full-time job and all the other tasks of an adult.

B) Twice a year, unless a woman is coming round who you hope to sleep with, in which case you will begrudgingly change the sheet.

What should the grout around your tiles look like?

A) White, if you don’t examine it too closely.

B) An alarming orange colour that will not even come off even if you panic and slosh large amounts of neat bleach on it because your mum is visiting.

What should a toothbrush holder contain?

A) Toothpaste and the toothbrush you are currently using.

B) Toothpaste, the toothbrush you are currently using – as well as four old worn-out ones – and a brown paste of accumulated spit and grime at the bottom of the holder. It’s not like anyone can see it.

What should be displayed on your coffee table?

A) A carefully chosen art book and the scented candle you got for Christmas.

B) A selection of empty crisp packets and beer bottles from last night’s TV marathon, plus an old inner tube you meant to fix three months ago.

What colour and texture should your hob be?

A) Lovely and smooth with shiny chrome.

B) Who knows? It’s hidden under a thick layer of burnt grease, old soup and spilled soy sauce that you can’t be arsed to scrape off.

How often should the recycling be taken out?

A) Every week, on the correct day.

B) When the pile has crept so far up the wall that it falls over and spills old beer and silverfish all over the floor.


Mostly As: You have a mad fixation on cleaning that borders on the obsessive. In fact, you should probably get therapy for it, if you can bear to take some time out from mopping the floor.

Mostly Bs: You do a completely normal and reasonable amount of cleaning. Yeah, there’s a constant unpleasant smell in the house but that’s definitely not related to the fact that you haven’t scrubbed the toilet for six years.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Boyfriend dragged to salsa class retaliates by starting affair

A MAN who was forced to accompany his other half to a dance class has kickstarted an affair to get his own back.

Ryan Whittaker was made to attend a salsa session by girlfriend Lucy Parry, who refused to listen to his pleas of ineptitude and complete lack of interest.

Whittaker said: “Lucy loves Strictly, but she knows I hate it and never watch, aside from a brief ogle of the female dancers in their skimpy costumes.

“So a salsa class was always going to be a nightmare. As soon as the teacher said ‘Let’s get those hips moving’, I knew I was f**ked. I’ve never felt so out of place in my life.

“Then Lucy started laughing at me, so when the teacher offered to help and I found myself clamped crotch-to-crotch with this Argentinian beauty, I saw a chance to get my own back.

“Graciela and I have been seeing each for the past few weeks. I’m not kidding myself that it’s going to last, as the woman can do things with her body that are deserving of a far superior dick to mine.

“Is an affair an overreaction? No. You try experiencing the humiliation of trying to do the New York Walk in a draughty community hall when you could be watching John Wick. It’s a perfectly reasonable response.”