Six things your neighbours know about you that you wish they didn't

PROXIMITY confers familiarity, which means your neighbours know things about you that even your closest friends don’t. They idly discuss the following foibles:

How frequently you have sex

‘Been a while,’ your downstairs neighbour remarks, as the sound of your rutting travels. ‘What, must have been four, five months? No, I tell a lie, it’s only three because they did it after that row about the dog. Why that got them in the mood God knows. Still at least they’re f**king again.’

How long you last

‘Shaved a minute off his normal time there,’ he continues, as all falls silent. ‘Hope he finishes her off this time, otherwise the bedsprings will be going again in ten minutes once he’s asleep.’ ‘Poor girl. She’s ever so pretty and never satisfied sexually. He should know where the clitoris is at his age,’ his wife agrees.

When you smoke weed

‘See they’ve scored again. Decent skunk, seems to me.’ ‘Ooh I know, you could smell it coming down the street. That’ll have them back on the Rick and Mortys.’ ‘I don’t mind in the evening, but at 10am on a Monday when he’s working from home? That’s not right. And she’s no idea.’

What you get delivered

‘What’s that by the door, parcels for upstairs?’ ‘Aye, I’ll pop them round later. Lovehoney, you won’t be surprised to learn.’ ‘That’s the modern age isn’t it? If you don’t take care of a problem the internet will do it for you.’ ‘I gave it a rattle. There’s not just one. She’ll be taking it fore and aft.’ ‘Good for her.’

What you argue about

‘You missed a good one earlier. A real barney. Supposedly about this birthday do they don’t want to go to, but that’s hardly the real reason.’ ‘Plenty of underlying problems in that relationship.’ ‘I know. The fault lines are yawning and he’s blind to it.’

Who you’re sleeping with

‘So she’s having an affair. Heard a new voice up there this afternoon. And you couldn’t miss her.’ ‘Oh, marvellous. Just as you predicted.’ ‘The writing was on the wall. That nice handyman lad who was so polite about moving his van.’ ‘I am pleased. That’s such good news for her. Should we pop a card round to say well done?’ ‘No. Better not.’

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Football the worst hobby, women agree

WOMEN have agreed that of all the pathetic things men are far too obsessed with, football is easily the worst.

Being an ardent football supporter beats cycling, cars, comics, vinyl, trains, video games and hardcore pornography on the grounds of being omnipresent, mood-altering and sanctioned by society.

Hannah Tomlinson, whose boyfriend supports Leeds, said: “It’s tragic being into vinyl, but the whole weekend isn’t ruined by My Bloody Valentine losing 3-0 to Ride.

“It’s shameful being a comics geek, but there’s only a Marvel film out every few months. Not twice a f**king week and dominating every Saturday night because of Match of the cocking Day.

“You can’t escape football. It’s always there, breathing down your neck, telling you what Bamford’s xG is or why Haaland’s as bad for City as Ronaldo was for Man U. No matter how little of a shit you give.

“It costs loads, it’s boring, he wears the shirt down the pub and looks a knobhead, and come June they’re getting relegated and he’ll spend the whole summer being a whingy little bitch about it.

“It honestly doesn’t have any redeeming features. Except that it’s not f**king rugby.”