PROXIMITY confers familiarity, which means your neighbours know things about you that even your closest friends don’t. They idly discuss the following foibles:
How frequently you have sex
‘Been a while,’ your downstairs neighbour remarks, as the sound of your rutting travels. ‘What, must have been four, five months? No, I tell a lie, it’s only three because they did it after that row about the dog. Why that got them in the mood God knows. Still at least they’re f**king again.’
How long you last
‘Shaved a minute off his normal time there,’ he continues, as all falls silent. ‘Hope he finishes her off this time, otherwise the bedsprings will be going again in ten minutes once he’s asleep.’ ‘Poor girl. She’s ever so pretty and never satisfied sexually. He should know where the clitoris is at his age,’ his wife agrees.
When you smoke weed
‘See they’ve scored again. Decent skunk, seems to me.’ ‘Ooh I know, you could smell it coming down the street. That’ll have them back on the Rick and Mortys.’ ‘I don’t mind in the evening, but at 10am on a Monday when he’s working from home? That’s not right. And she’s no idea.’
What you get delivered
‘What’s that by the door, parcels for upstairs?’ ‘Aye, I’ll pop them round later. Lovehoney, you won’t be surprised to learn.’ ‘That’s the modern age isn’t it? If you don’t take care of a problem the internet will do it for you.’ ‘I gave it a rattle. There’s not just one. She’ll be taking it fore and aft.’ ‘Good for her.’
What you argue about
‘You missed a good one earlier. A real barney. Supposedly about this birthday do they don’t want to go to, but that’s hardly the real reason.’ ‘Plenty of underlying problems in that relationship.’ ‘I know. The fault lines are yawning and he’s blind to it.’
Who you’re sleeping with
‘So she’s having an affair. Heard a new voice up there this afternoon. And you couldn’t miss her.’ ‘Oh, marvellous. Just as you predicted.’ ‘The writing was on the wall. That nice handyman lad who was so polite about moving his van.’ ‘I am pleased. That’s such good news for her. Should we pop a card round to say well done?’ ‘No. Better not.’
