Having a bath and other 'relaxing' experiences that are actually a massive faff

HAD a stressful day and looking to unwind? You’ll soon find these supposedly enjoyable activities are hugely overrated.

Having a bath

Seems nice in theory but in reality you’ll run out of hot water halfway through filling the bath. As you sit in increasingly tepid water you’ll realise you’re actually quite bored. You’ll also find it impossible to read a book without soaking it and drop your new iPhone in the tub.

Listening to whale song

The main problem is that whale song isn’t music for humans like, say, Duran Duran. Also it’s likely to remind you of gruesome reports of Japanese whaling, and you’ll soon be depressed about how we’re destroying the natural world. Worst of all, you’ll realise you’ve become the type of twat that listens to whale-song. 

Going for a walk

Not so relaxing during a pandemic when you have to be constantly alert to avoid other pedestrians, heavy-breathing joggers and teenagers who don’t care about Covid. And if you live in a dreary town, your only reward will be a scenic view of the local Parcelforce warehouse.

Having a massage

If you have a proper massage you’re essentially handing over huge sums of money to have a musclebound personal trainer inflict pain on you while criticising your posture and lifestyle. The alternative is to have your partner awkwardly hunch over you and prod at your back while getting bored.

Light some candles

What could be more relaxing than creating a fire hazard in your own home? Also, pound for pound, scented candles are more expensive than gold, so they’re a great way of feeling guilty and stressed about wasting your money.

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How to celebrate milestone birthdays in lockdown

REACHING a key birthday like 18, 30 or 50 under national lockdown? Here’s how to do your best to celebrate. 


Everybody forgets how awful their 18th was. To recreate a traditional 18th, get dressed up in an outfit you’ll shudder to remember, drink until the room is spinning, watch your crush and your best friend get off with each other and cry yourself to sleep. Only this time, all on Zoom. 


This one’s tough, because 21sts can actually be enjoyable. Do your best to simulate going clubbing by playing a late-night Radio 1 show at ear-splitting volume, getting a younger brother to flick lights on and off, ignoring all your mates on Zoom for a bunch of strangers on a different laptop, and hire a skip to wake up in.


A milestone that’s mainly about comparing your life achievements unfavourably with your peers is easy to celebrate. Get friends to videocall throughout the evening listing things they’ve done which you haven’t, from threesomes to getting a great job, while you neck Scotch and mutter ‘Yeah still plenty of time’. 


Everyone’s 40th birthday is a vain attempt to have a good time while besieged by children, so easy to arrange. Lock yourself in the smallest room in your house with all your kids and attempt to drink your way through it while smiling at friends doing the same. By 9pm you’ll all snap, send them to bed and gratefully fall asleep yourself. 


An opportunity to see old friends and relatives you’ve not seen for ages, be shocked at how fat they are and possibly compare new medical conditions you’ve all been diagnosed with. Go on FaceTime and take turns listing things you like that you’re not allowed to have now.