Saturday, 8th May 2021

Having a bath and other 'relaxing' experiences that are actually a massive faff

HAD a stressful day and looking to unwind? You’ll soon find these supposedly enjoyable activities are hugely overrated.

Having a bath

Seems nice in theory but in reality you’ll run out of hot water halfway through filling the bath. As you sit in increasingly tepid water you’ll realise you’re actually quite bored. You’ll also find it impossible to read a book without soaking it and drop your new iPhone in the tub.

Listening to whale song

The main problem is that whale song isn’t music for humans like, say, Duran Duran. Also it’s likely to remind you of gruesome reports of Japanese whaling, and you’ll soon be depressed about how we’re destroying the natural world. Worst of all, you’ll realise you’ve become the type of twat that listens to whale-song. 

Going for a walk

Not so relaxing during a pandemic when you have to be constantly alert to avoid other pedestrians, heavy-breathing joggers and teenagers who don’t care about Covid. And if you live in a dreary town, your only reward will be a scenic view of the local Parcelforce warehouse.

Having a massage

If you have a proper massage you’re essentially handing over huge sums of money to have a musclebound personal trainer inflict pain on you while criticising your posture and lifestyle. The alternative is to have your partner awkwardly hunch over you and prod at your back while getting bored.

Light some candles

What could be more relaxing than creating a fire hazard in your own home? Also, pound for pound, scented candles are more expensive than gold, so they’re a great way of feeling guilty and stressed about wasting your money.