High roller has £102.40 in Nectar Points

A MAN feels he is doing pretty damn well in life due to his substantial wealth in Nectar points.

With over £100 on his Nectar card, Tom Logan is living a lifestyle beyond his wildest dreams and believes he is a respected figure in the community.

Logan said: “I’m in a good place financially. If I want a top-of-the-range Sainsbury’s deep pan pizza I just redeem a few Nectar points and don’t think twice about the expense.

“It wasn’t always like this. When I was a young man I’d have pathetic sums like £2.43 on my card. Now when I tell people how rich I am in Nectar points they look really surprised.

“They definitely respect me, like Vito Corleone in The Godfather. If someone comes to me with a problem – say my niece Suzi wants a Freddo – I’ll take care of it.

“With wealth comes responsibility. Sure I could have wild parties every night, but you’ve got to spread the opportunities around, like when I bought my parents a bucket from Argos.

“My advice to a young guy coming up in the world of Nectar points is you’ve got to work for it. By which I mean mainly shopping in Sainsbury’s and BP garages.”

Logan’s status was recently challenged when he overheard a well-spoken woman say she had £250 on her Waitrose card, but he has decided that was a ridiculous lie.

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Sadomasochistic train company asks 'how did we do?'

A HELLISH, self-loathing train company has emailed its passengers asking to be told just how shit they are.

Southern Railways emailed its customers with the question ‘how did we do?’ in full knowledge that they did fucking awful.

Customer Tom Booker said, “You can only assume they’re getting off on these feedback forms. The first question was ‘On a scale of 1-10, how likely are you to recommend us to your friends and family? To which I obviously put 1.”

“They asked me to explain why, so I said, ‘Because absolutely everything about your service is a fucked-up nightmare from start to finish.

“They then asked me to attach some nipple clamps to them while telling them I had a 40 minute delay which meant I missed my connection and had to get a taxi home which cost me 25 quid.

“The next question started with, ‘Ooh, yes, we really are a very bad service, aren’t we? Now tell us about your experience at the station and don’t leave out how little the staff gave a shit about your delay’.”

A Southern spokesman added: “We do our utmost to maintain a high standard at all times. Now slap us hard in the face and call us a ‘manky train bitch’.”