ARE this couple trying to be your holiday hombres for the next fortnight, or are they pushing for a four-way in their five-star suite? Check these clues:
They ask where you’re staying
Normal holiday friends ascertain where you’re staying for an evening apertif. Would-be shaggers ask how thin the walls are and what angles your balcony is visible from. They may also casually ask if it has a hot tub and whether lube was packed in your hold luggage, all of which crosses the boundaries of legitimate enquiry.
They joke about swinging
The asides about how the four of you are always together begin early, with ‘They must think we’re the Beatles!’ and quickly degenerate into ‘They must think we’re performing an ABBA-style four-sided 69, which incidentally is a mind-blowing experience!’ Even though nobody is thinking that. Except you, now, invited back to enjoy ABBA Gold.
They take a suspicious interest in your relationship
Asking how long you’ve been together is normal. Asking if ‘the spark is still alive’ is a search for exploitable issues they can use to separate you, shag you both and then get you back together in time for the coach to the airport. When they ask if you’re adventurous, say you’d be open to a day trip to see how traditional cork is made to confuse them.
They offer to apply your sunscreen
It’s an obvious way in. Despite your wife being just there, the older hot woman is offering to rub factor 50 into your back. She’ll then ask if your wife if jealous of seeing her hands all over you, and you’ll reply ‘she’s not noticed, she’s really absorbed in that Elena Ferrante.’ If she asks if you’re open-minded, admit you do sometimes flick over to Channel 5.
They invite you to their villa
Not inherently bad, especially if you’re on an all-inclusive and bored of the food. Until it turns out all they’re serving is wine and they ‘like to be relaxed’ by which they mean naked. Act like you’ve not noticed and make conversation about whether 40 euros is too much for a boat trip to the blue cave.
They suggest a couples’ game night
A regular couples’ game night involves booze, nibbles wine and someone getting disproportionately angry about Pictionary. A suspicious couples’ game night involves phrases such as ‘we don’t really use the conventional rules’. When they produce those weird dice with sexual instructions on them it’s time to say you’re only up for Uno.
They keep saying ‘no pressure’
A red, flashing warning. Nobody says ‘no pressure’ before suggesting a game of cards or nap back at the villa. At this point, smile politely, finish your drink and announce that you’re both off to bed. If they reply ‘Already?’ they’re swingers.
