Holidaying couple hoping their dog will forgive them

A COUPLE have spent the majority of their holiday fretting about their dog’s mood after abandoning him to kennels.

Nikki Hollis and Nathan Muir had barely landed in Morocco when they began anxiously discussing the mental state of border collie Toby and whether he felt utterly betrayed by those he loves most.

Hollis said: “I just had this passing anxiety that his last, reproachful glance meant that we had sentenced him to a fortnight in hell just because we selfishly wanted a bit of sun.

“I mentioned it to Nate and it sent us into a spiral of terror about how it might change things forever between us, even though it’s the fanciest kennels available. What if the other dogs bully him for being nouveau riche?”

Muir agreed: “They might not follow his nap routine right or know when he likes to be tickled or understand when he wants to be sung to. How could we do this? He’ll hold this against us for months. Years.

“Rightly so. Yes, he might be a dog, but surely we’re the beasts.”

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Characters who can't stop shagging each other, according to weird fan art

YOU can hardly call yourself a fan of a property unless you’ve drawn your favourite characters f**king like dogs. These are the most popular pairings: 

Sam & Frodo

The undercurrent of erotic tension was always there between these hairy-footed freaks. Their relationship was, no doubt, consummated on the very rim of Mount Doom. But does every fansite have to dwell on it at such length? Can we not accept that Frodo destroyed two rings that day and move on?

Shrek & Donkey

Fiona? Nothing but a beard. Inter-species shagger Donkey was riding that green ogre hard as portrayed by fine artist OgreBlower on the Shrek fan forums and his DeviantArt. Witness a donkey expressing its love for its owner in a way that is truly a dark, irreverent fairytale.

Snape & Dumbledore

Ever wanted to see a poorly realised drawing of goth Alan Rickman holding a dick like a wand, as the head of Hogwarts exposes his wise old arse? Take a trip through any Harry Potter fan site. Apparently there’s no defence against those dark arts.

Batman & Robin

Criminals running riot through the Gotham night? Where are the Dynamic Duo? Otherwise engaged, according to fan art, nude for their masks and capes, with Batman’s utility belt exchanged for a classy genital torture cage. The fans are fine with it. They’ve accepted it. Nothing else makes sense.

Anyone at all in anime

To the average anime-ignorant person, there is no discernable difference between art from the show and fan art. Everyone has insane hair, giant swords, is neither definitively male or female and is shagging someone who looks the same. You might have breezed through the worst filth on the internet and haven’t even noticed.

Mr Blobby & Noel Edmonds

Click ‘next page’ on any fan art forum for long enough and you’ll hit renditions of a guest opening the door at Crinkley Bottom to see Mr Blobby and Edmonds going at it hammer and tongs, Edmunds choking Blobby, the gunge tank looming overhead. Click away. You weren’t meant to see that.