People who bought houses they can't afford obviously in shit

ANYONE who bought a house they could not afford on the basis that interest rates would be 0.1 per cent forever is in deep shit, banks have confirmed. 

Rising mortgage rates are set to throw hundreds of thousands who stretched themselves to the limit for their perfect home into a crisis which might be unexpected to them but is not to everyone else.

Jo Kramer of Shoreditch said: “Kirstie Allsopp always said to take on the largest mortgage you can afford, and we took that advice because we wanted a massive house.

“Unfortunately, borrowing four-and-a-half times our income during a global downturn has turned out, much to our surprise, to be more than we can afford. Significantly more. As in my credit card got turned down at Lidl yesterday.

“It can’t be treated as if it’s our own fault, like we’d bought an expensive car or something. Houses don’t follow normal economic rules. They’re always worth more than when you bought them and you’re not allowed to be taxed on them, I read it in the Telegraph.

“We’re not greedy. We just wanted a five-bedroom home with an orchard, conservatory and library annexe that we couldn’t pay for. Is that so wrong?”

She added: “We’d planned to flip it in eight years for a hundred grand. Now that dream might never be realised.”

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Where will your Tory MP be hiding from the Boris vote this evening?

YOUR MP, terrified of both an electorate that hates Boris Johnson and the newspapers that love him, will be hiding from a vote today. But where? 

Rishi Sunak, member for Richmond (Yorks)

The prime minister will be avoiding the cameras on the south coast, wearing a suit and attempting to stop the boats. Like his global A-list celebrity peers, Sunak knows photographers can’t sell pictures exactly the same as yesterday, the week before and all bloody year. To this end he will be wearing those f**king boots again.

Bim Afolami, member for Hitchin and Harpenden

Blessed with obscurity already, Bim will spend today concealed in the Commons where even the whips aren’t sure if he’s an MP or a spad and it’’s too late to ask now. This is also how Bim plans to spend the next year and a half until the general election.

Nadine Dorries, member for Mid Bedfordshire

Schrödinger’s MP plans to sidestep questions about whether she can vote and what happened to all the Boris diehards and why she thinks she deserves a peerage by hiding in the last place anyone would think to look: a live show on Talk TV.

Antony Higginbotham, member for Burnley

Red Wall MP Antony will be hiding by travelling to a safe Conservative seat in Surrey where, as a Northerner, nobody will suspect him for a moment of being a Tory. He will also soak up the atmosphere of a safe Tory seat, so unlike cocking Burnley.

Andrea Leadsom, member for South Northamptonshire

The backbencher, who enjoyed brief notoriety in 2016 after being exposed as a lunatic, will continue to employ her natural defence mechanism of appearing toxic, repulsive and liable to nip children. If you hear her hissing, quicken your step.

Keir Starmer, member for Holborn and St Pancreas

The privately-educated Surrey-raised knight of the realm will be hiding in plain sight, in the House of Commons, voting for Boris Johnson’s censure as any decent Conservative who has not joined a death cult should. A thin veneer of red will barely obscure the blue beneath.