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Tory lockdown party still going

FOOTAGE released from the Conservative lockdown 2020 Christmas party was taken from an ongoing livestream, the government has confirmed. 

The festive video which appeared over the weekend is of an event still in full swing two-and-a-half years later, and nobody there has Covid so there is no call to use it to score cheap political points.

A Downing Street spokesperson said: “It was a necessary work event which has now spilled over into its 912th day, and we have already apologised.

“It’s Conservative HQ. There’s a modest platter and the Pogues blasting out of a tiny karaoke machine. If you were there you’d never want it to stop, especially as the attendees still believe it’s lockdown outside. We’ve tried to tell them but they’re wrecked.

“They’re only ‘bending the rules’ in that these serious, dedicated revellers are pushing fun to its absolute limits. They are actually partying for those lost to Covid, in tribute.

“This won’t offend the electorate at all. They’ve been living under Tory rule for 13 years. They’re well aware it’s one long party.”

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Six processed foods worth shaving years off your life for

STUDIES warn that ultra-processed foods will take years off your life expectancy, to which Britons have responded by opening a packet of Hob-Nobs: 

Bacon

For years you believed bacon came simply flayed directly from the pig, but apparently they do stuff like soaking it in salt and delicious, moreish nitrates. While a bacon sandwich may strip three months from you down the line, it gives you a hungover morning back. Who needs an extra three months doddering anyway?

White bread

Wheat, it seems, does not come in boring brown and tasty, sugary white varieties. But are you ready to start eating granary and end up as sanctimonious and delusional as Gwyneth Paltrow? No, life’s too short. Yours especially.

Crisps

Crisps are not found in nature, especially not in sweet chilli flavour. Nobody munching down a bag has any illusions. You could trade it for carrot sticks and hummus but hummus is pretty processed, so may as well stick with the old friend you’ve known will be the death of you for years than mess about.

Every ready meal

What’s the alternative? Cook for yourself? Be Nigel Slater and always have a bowl of asparagus hearts in olive oil you can prepare for a simple ten-minute supper? Bollocks to that. As long as you only have a microwave tikka masala after a 10k run, which you don’t, you’ll be fine.

Breakfast cereal

Nobody imagined Honey Nut Loops were harvested from the wild as is, but what’s the alternative? Bacon’s been ruled out, white bread’s been ruled out, crisps have been ruled out, so what are we meant to eat first thing? Fruit? Have you seen how much f**king about is involved in preparing a single melon?

Instant noodles

This idea that processed food is unhealthy must be bollocks because this is all you ate as a student and you were in the best shape of your life. Explain that, scientists. And you drank a bottle of Merrydown a night.

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