Woman's day one long guilty pleasure

A WOMAN believes her daily struggle means she is allowed occasional naughty indulgences approximately from dawn until dusk. 

Donna Sheridan begins her day with a cinammon swirl, arrives at work with a Lucozade followed with a brunch smoothie, treats herself at lunch and deserves a reward every single evening of her life.

She said: “Whether it’s a new top at lunchtime, a salted caramel frappachino mid-afternoon or Maom Pinballs for the train home, I know I shouldn’t but where’s the harm?

“This morning I felt frazzled after killing a cheeky bottle of Pinot last night, so I gave myself a break and caught up on Love Island: Unseen Bits. After all I worked pretty hard on Friday, in the morning, I think.

“Then I couldn’t face my packed lunch so I went for burritos, and a fancy cake, and after work I called in at Sainsbury’s Local and got some treats because I can already tell it’s going to be one of those weeks.

“Couldn’t be arsed cooking after all that so I got a takeaway, popped Duran Duran on, watched an old Reese Witherspoon romcom and hopped in the tub with an £8 Lush bath bomb and candles. And chocolates. And gin.”

She added: “Honestly, I’m so busy I can’t find time to wank.”

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Mother refers to son's boyfriend of 15 years as his 'friend'

A WOMAN in her 60s still refers to her son’s partner of a decade and a half as his ‘friend’, it has emerged.

Despite the fact that they are married and own a home together, the husband of James Bates is still euphemistically referred to by his mother as if he is just another one of James’ mates.

Bates said: “She obviously knows that Oliver and I are in a relationship. She was at our wedding, for Christ’s sake. She wore a big hat and cried.

“However, she still seems to be allergic to referring to him as my husband or partner. Though sometimes she’ll say ‘special friend’ with a weird look in her eye, as if she’s trying to make it obvious that she knows we have sex.

“She reckons she can’t be a homophobe because she reads the Guardian and has a CD of Queen’s Greatest Hits in the car, but, my word, that woman is as old school as they come.”

Margaret Bates said: “The truth is that I know all the lingo, and I don’t care if he’s gay, queer, bi, pan or whatever. I just like messing with him.”