How are you interpreting rules for your own benefit?

RULES needn’t be a hassle if, like Dominic Cummings, you use your ingenuity. Here’s how to interpret them in a way that’s right for you.

Don’t make unnecessary journeys
A trip to the bathroom is a necessary journey, unless you want to piss the bed. Therefore a trip to visit your parents and buy 24 cans of Stella Artois en route is necessary unless you don’t want to not see your parents or not be able to get drunk. That’s just logic.

Maintain social distancing
Pedants say you should stay two metres away from others. But what about all the people you’re genuinely socially distanced from? If you live in London you’re 17,000 kilometres from someone in Sydney. Once you average out the entire population of the globe, you’re socially distanced from everyone, so go and breathe all over people in Sainsbury’s.

Drive on the left
Cars going in the same direction in a non-dangerous column is political correctness gone mad. Why not mix it up and drive on the right? A couple of lorries hurtling toward your tiny Fiat on an A-road will be like a better version of Super Mario Karts.

Don’t sleep with your girlfriend’s best friend
This important rule has been ignored for years, so it’s almost traditional to do it. As the shouting, guilt and general misery starts to hit you like fallout from Chernobyl, just shrug it off because rules are bollocks.

Thou shalt not kill
‘Kill’ is a very subjective term. Some might say it means ‘killing someone’, but there’s an equally valid argument that it means ‘getting them to Heaven a bit quicker’. ‘Killing’ is fine, particularly if your neighbours are having an annoying barbecue.

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Man realises only his crap friends live nearby

A MAN has realised that only the crap friends he never talks to anyway live near enough to visit safely.

Stephen Malley said: “Seeing as I can’t hop on a train it’s slim pickings. I’m reduced to work colleagues and neighbours, neither of whom I’d usually be arsed to struggle through a conversation with.

“In normal circumstances their dullness could be diluted by other mates with personality. But a one-on-one meeting with these bores would be worse than sitting at home by myself watching Bargain Hunt again.

“I couldn’t even drink my way through it because there’s a very real chance I’d tell them our friendship is a miserable lie built entirely on proximity.”

Neighbour Nikki Hollis said: “I’m so desperate to avoid having to be friends with Stephen just because he lives next door that I’ve started licking shopping trolley handles.”