THESE long weeks of house arrest have turned most of us into an even worse version of ourselves. In what ways have you become more of an arsehole than you already were?
You’ve lost all self-respect
You’re telling yourself you can pass your pyjama bottoms off as baggy summer trousers, and seriously believe that your attempts with the kitchen scissors mean there’s no reason to spend money on a haircut again, even though you look like Worzel Gummidge if he was made by a child.
You enjoy organised fun
You used to be an interesting person, but now you look forward to virtual quizzes and willingly participate in Facebook photo challenges. Most despicably of all, it’s actually bringing meaning to your life.
Your greatest ambition is a Morrison’s delivery slot
A delivery slot is all you need to make you feel like you’ve achieved something. And you’ll happily go to dark lengths to achieve it, such as masquerading as your elderly neighbour.
You’re calling yourself a ‘foodie’
Just because you’ve learnt to describe pasta as ‘al dente’ when you haven’t cooked it properly, you’re proudly telling everyone you’re ‘a real foodie now’. People are really going to suffer when you start hosting dinner parties post-lockdown.
You love your sourdough starter more than your family
You’ve given a mixture of flour and water a human name and paid it more daily attention than any actual person in your household. You will choose to save the sourdough in the event of a fire.