How have you changed for the worse during the lockdown?

THESE long weeks of house arrest have turned most of us into an even worse version of ourselves. In what ways have you become more of an arsehole than you already were?

You’ve lost all self-respect

You’re telling yourself you can pass your pyjama bottoms off as baggy summer trousers, and seriously believe that your attempts with the kitchen scissors mean there’s no reason to spend money on a haircut again, even though you look like Worzel Gummidge if he was made by a child.

You enjoy organised fun

You used to be an interesting person, but now you look forward to virtual quizzes and willingly participate in Facebook photo challenges. Most despicably of all, it’s actually bringing meaning to your life.

Your greatest ambition is a Morrison’s delivery slot 

A delivery slot is all you need to make you feel like you’ve achieved something. And you’ll happily go to dark lengths to achieve it, such as masquerading as your elderly neighbour.

You’re calling yourself a ‘foodie’

Just because you’ve learnt to describe pasta as ‘al dente’ when you haven’t cooked it properly, you’re proudly telling everyone you’re ‘a real foodie now’. People are really going to suffer when you start hosting dinner parties post-lockdown.

You love your sourdough starter more than your family

You’ve given a mixture of flour and water a human name and paid it more daily attention than any actual person in your household. You will choose to save the sourdough in the event of a fire.


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Tories urge country not to politicise politicians being bad at politics

THE CONSERVATIVE Party has asked Britain not to turn their current political f**k up into something political.

Just because Dominic Cummings, the man at the centre of a huge national scandal, is senior adviser to the most important politician in politics there is no reason to get all political about it, they have asserted.

Health Secretary Matt Hancock said: “It is beyond the pale to play party politics at a time when our party has, once again, done something politically dreadful.

“In this particular case, we’d instead like you to swallow some emotional blackmail about poor little kiddies, because then we can make you look like heartless bastards for trying to politicise children.

“It may be a completely doomed attempt to deflect attention from this particular political shitshow, but  we’ve got to try something.”

Tory ministers have stated that it is fine to politicise some things, but when it comes to politicians and politics the plebeian masses should just tut and go back to watching whatever it is they watch on Channel 4.