'How many units of alcohol do you drink per week?' and other panic-inducing questions

HERE are the simple questions that immediately send your stress levels sky-high.

How many units of alcohol do you drink per week? 

It is physically impossible for Britons to reply to this question with the straightforward lie ‘12 units’. Instead do an Oscar-worthy monologue on how much you drink and why. In the history of alcohol no one has ever told the truth when answering this question.  

Have you got your own bag? 

This question instantly fills you with guilt and panic because you have forgotten your bag for life – again. You make your excuses – ‘I must have left it in the boot’ or ‘I only came in for one item’ – but it doesn’t stop you worrying that everyone in the queue will think you are callously destroying the planet one plastic bag at a time.  

Are you free for coffee tomorrow? 

There is nothing worse than being invited somewhere before you have a chance to think of an excuse to get out of it. This is what texting is for, dickheads.  

What is your BMI? 

Probably too high, but who’s counting? Your best bet is to pretend you are one of those people who doesn’t care about that kind of thing. Anyway you’re going to start doing some exercise that will miraculously give you the BMI of a super-fit 25-year-old anyway.

Mummy and daddy, how are babies made? 

No matter how well you think you have prepared for this question, it will always end up being excruciating. You’ll probably come out with some gibberish like: ‘Mummies have the eggs and daddies have the seeds and if you mix them together in a special cuddle you get a baby.’

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

The Daily Mail guide to how the BBC killed Diana

THE Daily Mail has actually asked ‘Did the BBC kill Princess Diana?’ Here news editor Stephen Malley explains how they probably did.

They did that interview

The Martin Bashir interview that Diana voluntarily took part in was clearly an attempt at murder. The BBC may as well have got noted assassin Lee Harvey Oswald to do it.

Who arranged for Diana to join the royal family in the first place?

Some might claim that the rather posh Diana Spencer married Prince Charles for a variety of reasons, like people do when they get married. This is wrong. She was a dupe sucked into a glamorous world of visiting charities and watching lengthy Maori dancing.

Where was Camilla? 

Diana’s love rival was clearly plotting the downfall of the younger royal. Did the Duchess of Cornwall set up the Bashir interview herself? There is no evidence for this, but yes, probably.

Why won’t the BBC let Sky take over British broadcasting?

The socialist BBC is standing in the way of independent commercial broadcasters such as Sky. Although not part of Rupert Murdoch’s shitty empire, we at the Mail feel that anything related to state subsidies is evil, except if you have to go to hospital.

Who was on the scooters?

French paparazzis, similar to the paparazzis the Daily Mail use all the time, have been blamed for Diana’s death. This is clearly different to the Mail’s paps spying on every member of the royal family with long lenses while hiding in bushes.