HERE are the simple questions that immediately send your stress levels sky-high.
How many units of alcohol do you drink per week?
It is physically impossible for Britons to reply to this question with the straightforward lie ‘12 units’. Instead do an Oscar-worthy monologue on how much you drink and why. In the history of alcohol no one has ever told the truth when answering this question.
Have you got your own bag?
This question instantly fills you with guilt and panic because you have forgotten your bag for life – again. You make your excuses – ‘I must have left it in the boot’ or ‘I only came in for one item’ – but it doesn’t stop you worrying that everyone in the queue will think you are callously destroying the planet one plastic bag at a time.
Are you free for coffee tomorrow?
There is nothing worse than being invited somewhere before you have a chance to think of an excuse to get out of it. This is what texting is for, dickheads.
What is your BMI?
Probably too high, but who’s counting? Your best bet is to pretend you are one of those people who doesn’t care about that kind of thing. Anyway you’re going to start doing some exercise that will miraculously give you the BMI of a super-fit 25-year-old anyway.
Mummy and daddy, how are babies made?
No matter how well you think you have prepared for this question, it will always end up being excruciating. You’ll probably come out with some gibberish like: ‘Mummies have the eggs and daddies have the seeds and if you mix them together in a special cuddle you get a baby.’