How rising prices are making your singleton's shopping basket even bleaker

AS if being alone wasn’t bleak enough, the cost of living crisis is making your single person’s shopping basket look even sadder with these items:

Half bottle of wine

You can see the pity on the cashier’s face as he looks at the tiny bottle of cheap white wine and realises you can’t even afford to get properly pissed anymore. And, ultimately, it wasn’t the frugal act you believed it to be, as it tasted of Um Bongo and bleach and you ended up pouring it down the sink.

Two rolls of cheap toilet paper

Nothing screams ‘I live alone!’ like buying a minimal amount of toilet paper, but what’s worse is that you can’t even afford the self-care your bum deserves anymore in the form of the high-quality quilted stuff. At least you haven’t yet resorted to newspaper, like your weird Uncle Roy did during lockdown.

Store-brand condoms

Not even a cost of living crisis can curb your dreams of not being single forever, despite the fact that the current state of your love life puts condoms in the ‘luxuries’ rather than ‘necessities’ column of your household finances sheet. You still decant them into a Durex box when you get home, though, as hope springs eternal within you.

Discount microwave meal

Somehow, an ultra-processed microwaveable meal has remained in the supermarket long enough to approach its best before date, which you snaffle for yourself after intimidating an old lady who was also hovering around. It will be disgusting, but it’s cheap, and you’d welcome a few days off work if you do end up contracting salmonella.

A cookbook of cheap meals for one

You think you’ve cracked the system by purchasing a recipe book that will help you cook budget-friendly, delicious meals. However, due to the hundreds of frozen pizzas you’ve bought from this very Tesco Metro over the years, both you and the cashier know you can’t cook. All you’ve done is spunked £9.99 up the wall. Bravo.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Paddington, and other unusual targets of Prince Harry's memoir

DETAILS of Prince Harry’s bombshell memoir have been announced, including these unlikely targets of his unflinching rage.


Don’t let his public image fool you, Harry warns in an explosive chapter titled ‘That Prick From Peru’. The CGI bear might look all cute and cuddly on the surface, but that’s just a facade. He’s actually a right prima donna who treated the runners like shit when he filmed the Platinum Jubilee thing. Yes, he took Harry’s place in the skit, but that’s besides the point.

Prince Louis

The Prince of Wales is only four years old, but even he doesn’t escape from Harry’s unwavering wrath. The Duke of Sussex takes issue with the way cheeky Louis hogs the limelight during public events by gurning for the cameras or doing a big yawn. That used to be Harry’s gig, and he should learn to back the f**k off if he knows what’s good for him.


These expletive-leaden paragraphs were included purely to show to the world that Harry isn’t henpecked by his missus. Expect to read excoriating details about how she sometimes forgets to ask the maid unload the dishwasher straight away and never remembers to charge the Tesla. Available as an online exclusive download at Meghan’s kind discretion.

Zig and Zag

Surely there’s no connection between the fifth in line to the throne and two puppet aliens from the late Eighties? Incredibly, there is. And it’s a scandal the press has diligently kept hush-hush about for years like the ‘Prince of Pegging’ rumours. To read all the sordid details you’ll have to pick up a copy when Spare hits the shelves.


Yeah, that’s right, Harry’s got it on for you and all. You probably laughed at him once in the privacy of your home when he dressed up as a Nazi, or tried to grab a selfie with him when he was busting for a piss. He hasn’t forgotten, and he hasn’t forgiven. Not so funny now the tables have turned, is it?